My shade of Grey's

What Addison Said....Version 2

2009-06-08T16:09:00.003-05:00

Long time no see everyone! Forgive me, I'm a bit rusty but this was swimming through my brain so I decided to let it out. It's based on the idea that Addison mentioned the whole "You seem like a couple" thing to Erica instead of Callie. It's PG at best.

Hope you like it! :)

What Addison Said...V2

“Hey! How was the triple bypass?”

Erica seemed startled as Callie walked into the lounge, but she recovered quickly, bringing her eyes back to the stream of coffee flowing into her mug.

“It went well. No complications….”

Callie smirked as she leaned against the table and crossed her arms.

“Well that’s good for the patient. Not so good for warding off the onset of surgical boredom.”

“Exactly.” Erica glanced up briefly as she reached for a spoon.

Callie didn’t miss how she didn’t quite meet her eyes. It wasn’t the first sign of a shift in Erica, in their easy communication with each other. She’d been ignoring it. But it was getting harder.

“So, I was wondering…I’m off early tonight and I noticed you should be too. Wanna go dancing?”

Erica’s cup paused on the way up to her lips. The slightest hint of what looked like panic, followed by a wash of indecision, played out briefly across her features.

“Actually, I’m not sure I’m in the mood tonight.”

She looked down into her mug and then away as she took a sip.

Callie’s brow furrowed.

“Maybe some other time?”

Erica finally brought her eyes to Callie’s, but they didn’t completely connect.

Callie blinked back at her.

“Sure…Okay.”

There was a moment of awkwardness, but then Erica made a show of looking at the time on her pager, and heading out the door with a hurried excuse of a meeting, while Callie watched her go.

The day progressed with short run ins, and what felt increasingly like brush off’s on Erica’s part. At first Callie continued to tell herself it was all in her head. She asked Mark if he noticed Erica acting a little too short and distant, and he just looked at her with a,

“You’re kidding me right?” smirk on his face.

“Callie, she’s Erica . I’d be worried if she wasn’t being short and distant.” He shook his head and walked away with a laugh.

By noon she was certain something was up, but that it had nothing to do with her. Erica would tell her when she was good and ready. By lunch when Callie tried to sit next to her and Erica seemed to practically run from the table with a lame excuse, Callie couldn’t fight it anymore. She poked at her salad, wondering why she’d bought it, and stewed over the possibilities of what she could’ve done wrong.

By the time she finished resetting a shoulder at 3 o’clock, and coaching an intern on the finer points of making a cast later in the afternoon, she was starting to feel hurt. And by the time she’d searched the hospital top to bottom and finally found Erica in the lounge on seven, buried in a mound of paper work, she was pissed.

She stopped the door from swinging behind her, and turned the lock so they wouldn’t be interrupted. Erica’s surprised expression was hovering above the stalled pen in her hand.

“I need to know what I did.”

Callie announced as she put her hands on her hips and let her frustration show.

“What?” Erica’s expression was one of confusion, yet Callie could see the edges of knowing that Erica hid.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Callie asked boldly.

“I’m not avoiding you.”

Callie crossed her arms, and felt a mix of disappointment swirled with challenge.

“Don’t play dumb Erica. It doesn’t work on you…Or me for that matter.”

Erica’s jaw set. She felt panic churn inside, and it wasn’t something she dealt well with. The only thing she knew to do was to shut it down, to stay overly composed. She stared at her pen as she clicked it closed and set in on the desk.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“See!” Callie stepped forward, motioning forward with her hand. “That! Right there!”

“What?” Erica looked up with an edge of uncalm in her voice.

“You won’t look at me!” Callie though her hands into the air.
Desperation welled inside at the fact that if she couldn’t even get the validation that she wasn’t completely nuts and imagining all of these things, then she certainly couldn’t fix them.

Erica’s mouth formed a straight line as she pushed away from the desk and stood. She tried to make her voice sound light, as though it was obviously not true.

“Callie, that’s ridiculous.”

She came around the desk and moved to get a book from the bookshelf to her right. Callie didn’t miss that their eyes only met briefly.

“Really?” Her tone was defiant.

“Yes, of course really.” Erica threw over her shoulder as she reached up for the book.

Callie stepped forward and grabbed her arm, forcing her to turn around. As the surprise on Erica’s face at the forceful touch vanished, and the mask she was fighting to keep wearing tried to stay in place, Callie realized how strong her own feelings were on the matter. She pulled in a breath to calm herself as she searched Erica’s eyes, seeing past the walls.

Her voice came out lower…more steady.

“Then why does it feel like this is the first time we’ve looked at each other in a month?”

Erica tried to cross her arms, but Callie slid her grip down to Erica’s forearm, stopping her. Erica could feel the contact like a branding iron, except that the heat tingled and spread, and wasn’t painful at all.

That was the problem.

But Callie didn’t know it….and she didn’t let go.

“Every time I walk into a room, you walk out. I invite you out and you always have something else to do…or you don’t even bother to make an excuse. You won’t talk to me for more than three minutes.”

Her chest swelled with a deep breath.

“If you won’t talk about what’s going on I can’t fix it.”

Erica blinked at her.

“There isn’t anything to talk about. I’m fine.”

Callie stood there in silence for a brief moment. She didn’t back down. If anything she came closer…which would have made Erica take a step back…if there was room to.

“Where’s my person?”

Erica looked genuinely confused.

"Excuse me?"

“You’re supposed to be my best friend. The ONLY friend I’ve ever had, by the way, who hasn’t caused me pain.”

This made Erica flinch.

“You’re Erica Hahn.” Callie continued, ramping up once more. “You’re supposed to be straight forward and…and brash…and…maybe sometimes a pain in the ass…but….honest.”

Her eyes pleaded with Erica’s even though they were clearly dusted with annoyance and anger.

“You’re supposed to lay it on the table for me.” She watched Erica swallow. “Whatever I did…” Callie sales depleted a little. “Just tell me….Tell me so we can fight about it or whatever…and move on.”

“Please?”

Erica sighed. She forced herself to keep eye contact.

“Callie, I promise….You didn’t do anything. I’m not mad at you.”

Callie’s hand dropped away. She studied Erica’s expression, and then crossed her arms in defiance.

“I don’t believe you.”

Erica shook her head and stood her own ground.

“I don’t know what to tell you.”

They traded stares.

“If it’s not me than what is it?”

Erica let out a frustrated noise, and shoved around Callie.

“Jesus Christ Callie – Just stop!”

Callie waited a beat, but then followed over to the desk, where Erica was angrily gathering her paperwork, leaned against it beside her, and said firmly,

“No.”

Erica glared at her as she stopped her motions, but was only met with a challenging raised brow from Callie. She straightened up, took another breath while closing her eyes, and blew it out while she opened them again.

“You’re really not going to let this drop are you?”

She looked at Callie as she mocked her position beside her, leaning onto the desk with her arms crossed, even as she slumped ever so slightly with defeat.

Callie didn’t need to offer any vocal confirmation. Her expression was enough. For the first time in weeks, she watched as Erica finally gave in and softened. Her friend, the woman beneath the doctor, surfaced….

Finally.

Erica looked uneasy…and scared.

It made Callie’s chest ache.

“Erica…just tell me.” She nearly whispered.

Erica looked straight ahead of them, at the blinds covering the window out to the hallway as she gave in.

“Fine.”

Even though the emotion was finally coming out, she kept her voice cool…somewhat detached.

“Addison said something to me…when she was here.”

Callie tilted her head, and studied the side of Erica’s face.

“…Okay.”

“We were at the bar…and you left with Sloan.”

Callie didn’t respond, but then Erica didn’t seem to expect her to.

“And she noticed that it seemed to bother me….which it did.”

Callie swallowed and felt a pang of guilt she couldn’t explain.

Erica looked up at the ceiling; she shook her head slightly as though she couldn’t believe she was allowing herself to say any of this.

“Actually she pointed out that it seemed to bother me A LOT…and she questioned me about why.”

Callie wasn’t sure what this was all about, but she realized with startling intensity that she really wanted to know the answer to Addison’s question. It made her pulse hammer as she waited for Erica to keep going.

Erica gripped the edges of the desk.

“She asked me if you and I were….”

The five seconds it took for Erica to continue felt like five hours…to both of them.

“lovers…”

The air between them felt thick and still. Callie’s chest clenched and she worried it might explode and leave her collapsed on the floor. Erica’s hands staid still in their grip on the desk.

Before she could stop it, Callie was smiling, and laughing… a little too much.

“But that’s…that’s…of course not!. Why would she think that?”

Erica looked up and away again, half smiling a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

It made Callie stop laughing.

“That was my response. I asked her exactly that.”

Callie’s face was completely serious again.

“And?”

“And…” Erica sighed. “She said she thought we seemed like a couple….like a happy couple….or at least like we could be…like maybe we wanted to be.”

The silence in the room was maddening. They both sat there, Erica staring at the floor and Callie staring at her, for what felt like incredibly long, quiet filled moments. Callie finally interjected.

“But that’s…that’s just crazy. I mean…we don’t….We’re not….We like boys!” She threw her hands in the air and brought them down again. “We like penis!”

Her eyes came back to the side of Erica’s face and studied it.

“I don’t get it…Right?...I mean…we don’t feel that way.”

It was a statement….laced with a silence filled question.

“Erica?” Callie prodded when Erica didn’t say anything and her eyes didn’t move away from the cushions of the sofa by the door.

Erica finally looked at her. Their eyes connected and it felt like stabbing electricity jolting and rippling through the air between them, snapping so much into focus that it was blinding in its own right. Erica’s eyes were full of a need for Callie to understand, and a simultaneous kind of confession and apology.

Comprehension dawned on Callie. A breathless, “Oh…” escaped her lips.

Erica pushed away from the desk and moved to unlock the door, but Callie’s voice from just a step behind her stilled her hand.

“Don’t.”

They both listened to Erica breathe out.

“We don’t have to talk about this. It was a mistake.” Erica’s voice cracked almost unnoticeably.

Callie took a step closer.

“Erica….”

Erica took the deepest breath yet, and turned around with resignation.

“Are you saying…?” Callie asked gently, sincerely, not sure how to form the words.

Erica’s head tilted and her expression became slightly anguished. Her voice filled with real emotion for the first time in a very long time.

“I’m saying…”

Callie studied her eyes intensely.

“I think what Addison said struck a chord in me.”

Her shoulders came up and fell again. She shook her head as she continued.

“I wasn’t expecting it to. It’s certainly not something I’ve ever even considered…but when she said it…..”

Callie wanted to reach out but she couldn’t. She silently willed Erica to continue.

“When she said it…and then I looked at you …It struck a chord in me….and I’m still vibrating.”

Callie’s chest felt heavy. She felt shocked, and confused, and flattered, and a million other things she couldn’t begin to sort through... She had a million questions wiring through her brain, for Erica and her self.

“Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

Erica looked at her with disbelief.

“Oh yeah, right. What was I going to say?” She crossed her arms.

“Gee Torres, I’ve been straight my whole life, but apparently I have a big LESBIAN crush on you….P.S. I don’t make friends easily, and I hate everyone else in this hospital so please, don’t run away screaming.”

Callie wanted to smile, but she couldn’t. She’d never felt more serious or heavy hearted in her life.

“I’m not running or screaming.” She pointed out quietly, to herself as much as Erica.

“Pretty amazing.” Erica answered back without masking the surprise.

A moment of silence passed.

“Wait.”

Callie brought her hand up and tried to will herself to catch up to the moment, and fully comprehend what was happening.

“So, all of this….the, the avoiding, and the distance, the not looking me in the eye, has been because you didn’t want me to see that…”

“That I have feelings for you.” Erica finished for her, boldly, but not without fear in her voice. “THOSE kind of feelings.”

Callie swallowed, and took it in, took in the expression on Erica’s face as she looked over Callie’s shoulder and down to the ground; everywhere but at her… took in her body posture and all that it screamed as she leaned against the door behind them in defeat and uncertainty.

Her voice came out demanding and raspy.

“Erica….”

Erica’s face lifted in response but her eyes didn’t. Callie pushed.

“Look at me now.”

The quiet plea brought her eyes up, and this time…this time they stayed….they connected….they revealed the whole truth. Callie’s eyes swam in a blue swirling storm of confession and deeply hidden feelings she hadn’t known existed.

She felt compelled by a force she was entirely unfamiliar with.

There was only a steps distance between them.

Six inches at best.

It was frighteningly easy to cross.

And Callie did.

She brought her hands up and cupped Erica’s surprised face, bringing her lips up the short distance she needed to be able to connect. As soon as their mouths met her entire body flooded with the knowledge that she had been wanting them to do this ….been aching for them to.

What Addison Said...

2009-04-28T18:37:00.005-05:00

I’m looking at Callie’s face. I’m studying her features while she studies everything but me. My heart is pounding, my pulse is racing…and I really need another drink. She told me that she’s been avoiding me because Addison thought we might be…

Lesbians.

I laughed because I didn’t know what to do. I shook my head with quirking lips because I didn’t know what to say. My chest feels heavy, and my breathing shallow. She spoke the words…and they resonated in the center of my being unexpectedly. My walls are still shaking.

I wish she would talk.

But instead I do.

“I can’t believe you’ve been avoiding me because of that.”

Callie looks gracefully ashamed.

“Pretty ridiculous huh?”

The underlying edge of her tone holds a note I can’t identify.

“Pretty ridiculous.”

She looks at me with a tilted head. I feel my fingers press tighter around the dart still in my hand.

“Forgive me?”

“Only if you buy the next round.”

She smiles widely, the tension on her beautiful face gone.

“Deal.”

As I watch her walk to the bar it settles into my consciousness that I think Callie is beautiful.

Maybe I’ve done some avoiding of my own. The edges of awareness shoved down deep threaten to sting my nerves. I don’t want to go here…but it seems I am whether I want to or not.

Callie comes back and passes a mug of beer to me. I’m not sure how she knew I wanted to switch from wine but she did. She settles across from me and smiles.

We talk about our day. We laugh like we usually do…but, I feel a shift. An almost imperceptible change.

We play darts, and I kick her ass, like usual, but I’m watching her more carefully as she takes her turns…or maybe I’m just noticing how closely I always watch her…instead of being oblivious to it.

We walk slowly out to our cars, parked side by side outside the hospital across the street. Words pass… about our coworkers, our patients. Her smile makes my skin flush, and I feel as though I need to get into my car as fast as possible, and drive a little too quickly away, down a road that doesn’t lead here.

But my legs won’t take me anywhere else. They feel heavy as led as I lean against my car and listen as she keeps talking.

“Erica?”

She calls me out on my wandering thoughts.

“Why do you think Addison thought that…about us?”

I swallow…hard.

“Overactive imagination?” I say jokingly half hearted, and even my own ears hear the doubt and fear.

Callie mulls it over, and nods.

“Maybe.”

She’s looking away from me, as though she wants to ask a question, and I’m unsure whether I’m more frightened by the thought of knowing what it is or not knowing.

“What are you thinking?”

Her eyes come back to mine.

“Have you ever been with another woman?”

Of all questions, I wasn’t expecting that one, and I’m sure it shows. I try to keep my voice unaffected as honesty spills across my lips.

“No….never.”

Callie nods slowly and looks away.

“Have you?” I ask because I can’t stop myself.

Callie’s dark eyes settle back on mine.

“No.”

Her voice is less confident, less sassy than usual.

We trade stares and take in the concrete.

She turns to unlock her door, and I suddenly feel stuck in slow motion even though I’m clearly acting without rationality on my side. Something inside me, something I didn’t even know was there until a few hours ago, propels me forward.

And I’m moving.

I’m taking a step and reaching out.

“Callie.”

I’m taking her arm and she’s turning back to look at me.

I hold her eyes for the briefest of moments with my own, before I bring my other hand up to touch her face.

I expect her to push me back even as I lean forward, but she doesn’t.

And then I’m kissing her. I’m kissing her and I’m realizing that I’ve wanted to for maybe….always. And just when my skittering brain yells this to me; just when I think maybe I might need to stop before she shoves me away, I pull my lips back only to feel Callie’s hands come up to my own face.

She haults my movement, and holds me there, in her breath. And I see flashes of such shocking, private, long buried feelings in her gaze, that I’m not even sure she knows they’re there yet.

She pulls me back to her, crushing my body and my mouth to hers, and I move with her, until the inertia of our bodies meets the glass and metal of the side of her car, reminding us where we are, and that we are doing what neither one of us believes we’re doing.

I become aware of her grip on the lapels of my jacket as I watch her eyes come back into focus and a piece of her hair flutter from my uneven breath on her face. I step back and she drops her hands slowly.

She’s starting to shake her head.

“Erica I…”

“Maybe,” I take a breath as I cut her off. “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this right now.”

She looks slightly hurt, then briefly confused, then resolute.

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Later?” I ask in meek comparison to my regular voice.

She just nods.

I walk around to my driver’s side after a moment of more hesitation, and I can’t help but look at her as the engine starts. She’s mirroring me in her own car except she’s looking down.

I pull my stick shift into reverse.

Episode 10 Part 2... Surrender Me...

2009-02-19T20:31:00.005-06:00

Surrender Me...

Callie woke up on the couch in the same position she’d fallen asleep in hours before. Her left arm was still bent and resting over her eyes, her knees were still angled and pressing into the overstuffed cushions lining the back of the sofa. The aching twist in her back reminded her it might be time to move.

Too bad she still didn’t feel like it.

After a lengthy pep talk, she brought her arm down and blinked in the daylight, wincing with immediate regret as she did. After rubbing her eyes and bracing herself in preparation, she opened them again, and shot a death glare towards the empty bottle of wine, which was still mocking her from the coffee table. Her inner voice held no sympathy for her.

Why does it always SEEM like such a good idea to drown your sorrows in alcohol at the time of the drowning, but never, NEVER, once you come up for air?

Thank God she had the day off.

Pulling herself up and trudging into the bathroom took considerable effort. If it weren’t for the complete and total feeling of utter “crappiness” that was filling up her body, she might’ve jumped at her own reflection in the mirror.

“You’re a rock star Torres.” she said to herself in a sarcastic, shame filled voice.

Splashing cool water on her face made her feel half way human, and her mind trailed backward to the night before, and the events that had caused her to go on a solo bender….

“Keep your eyes closed!”

“They’re closed.” Erica answered back with equal parts amusement and confusion in her voice as she listened to the sound of a key unlocking a door. The corners of her mouth tipped up, as Callie took her hand and pulled her forward. A moment later the door was closing behind them and Callie’s hands settled on her shoulders, and pushed her a few feet further, before they stopped.

“Okay - Open!”

Erica blinked and took in her new surroundings. They were standing in a beautifully decorated loft apartment with old wood floors and an open and spacious layout. The kitchen had an island to sit at, and granite counter tops. There was even a fireplace in front of the plush, lavender sofa. Callie’s personality was everywhere.

“Is this YOUR place?” she turned to Callie with a wide questioning smile, matched only by the luminous glow Callie offered back.

“It is.” She threw her hands out. “Surprise! I got my own place.”

She looked proud but nervous at the same time. Erica turned to take it all in once more
while shaking her head.

“I can’t believe it. No wonder you haven’t been able to get together all week. I had no idea.”

“I didn’t want to say anything until it was all done.” Callie shrugged and stepped forward. “Pretty great isn’t it?”

“It’s amazing!” Erica answered back genuinely. “I can’t believe you found it so quickly. I mean that was what, like…two weeks?”

“Twelve days.” Callie admitted only slightly sheepishly. “But you know me. I have no patience once I decide I want something.”

She quirked a flirty brow at Erica, who slowly nodded.

“That‘s really shocking.”

They regarded each other knowingly.

“Come on,” Callie reached out a hand, humming inside with the knowledge of how easy it had quickly become to do that; Just to take Erica’s hand like it was the most natural thing in the world. “I’ll show you the rest.”

They wandered threw the kitchen attached to the living room, and around the island, and down the hall. Callie pushed open a door and swept her arm in an inviting, and flirtatious gesture as her voice dropped.

“This is the best part.”

Erica hesitantly stepped past her into the bedroom, and felt her chest constrict with a mixture of excitement and nerves. It was beautiful, and spacious; sparsely decorated with warm colors and art that may as well have said, “Welcome to Callie Land.” The bed was huge and sprawled out ahead of them like a soft and warm, hand written invitation . There were candles on each bed side table.

Erica felt her insides warm up instantly as she turned to look at Callie, who was obviously waiting to see her response.

“It’s really beautiful.”

Callie moved into Erica’s space and reached a hand out to her hip.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Erica affirmed, not meaning for her voice to come out as low as it was.

Callie brought her hands up and ran them over Erica’s shoulders, letting her arms follow.

“You know what else it is?”

“What’s that?” Erica smiled.

“It’s very private.” Callie offered from beneath heavy lashes as she let her gaze fall down to Erica’s mouth.

They kissed deeply. Warmth and wetness mixing with breath and heat. Erica swept a hand into Callie’s hair and held her face at just the right angle; the one that allowed her the deepest, most intimate access to the taste that was just…Callie. But when Callie began to move them backwards, and the back of Erica’s legs bumped into the mattress on the bed, she lost the feel of the moment, and a wave of hesitation bubbled up to the surface.

“Wait.” She spoke against Callie’s moist lips.

“What is it?” Callie whispered back, trying to get the kiss to continue.

Erica studied her and ran a thumb over her cheek, pulled her other hand out of her hair, and let it slide down her arm.

“I need to wait.” Erica let out, somewhat shakily by comparison, to her usual self.

Callie blinked at her.

“Um…okay.”

Erica looked back at her for a moment, and then stepped around her and moved to leave the bedroom. Callie stood staring at the empty bed for what felt like a very long stretch of time, before her legs propelled her back into motion. She followed Erica’s path and found her in the kitchen, palms lying flat against the cool granite of the island.

“Hey,” Callie said gently. “What’s wrong? I don’t understand.”

She watched Erica take a deep breath before looking at her.

“Aren’t you scared…of that…of what it means if we do that?”

Callie took her own turn to swallow. She felt her insides melt, and the overwhelming urge to go to Erica, this usually confident and unafraid to a fault, beautiful woman, her friend, and touch her.

But clearly they needed to talk, and talking was becoming more and more hard to do. Simply because being in close proximity to her made Callie’s brain whirr with the sensation of her nearness, and the smell of her shampoo. Distance was required for words with more than once syllable, so…she stood her ground. Letting out a smile and small laugh.

“Of course I‘m scared.”

Erica looked unconvinced, so Callie chanced one step closer as she let her nervousness show.

“I’m terrified.” she shook her head.

“You are?” Erica asked as her chin dropped.

“Uh, yeah.” Callie stated matter of factly. “I mean any number of things could happen.” She threw her hands out into the air again. “What if I’m bad with a woman? What if I have no idea what to do, and I’m terrible at it?”

“I don’t think that’s possible.” Erica offered in all seriousness.

“Sure it is.” Callie countered back. “I mean I know I’m a woman, and I know what I like, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same thing you like. And I know we’ve done…some things…but we haven’t ever done THAT you know what I’m saying? It’s not the same. I’m completely, completely terrified.”

Erica watched her spin into a ramble, trying to keep up all while feeling less and less comforted.

“I mean, what if we don’t like it? Just because we like kissing doesn’t mean we’re gonna like THAT. What if we just look at each other when it’s over and start laughing? OR, worst of all, what if one of us likes it and the other doesn’t?”

Callie finished with a shrug. Erica felt panic swirl inside around the edges of the notion that she was making a mistake.

“You really think that could happen?” her eye brows rose and her voice cracked, and even though she stood there looking calm and cool, Callie could tell she wasn’t.

“Well,” Callie shrugged once more. “Yeah.”

Erica looked at her for a moment, and then down at her own hands. She pushed back from the counter and turned to grab her coat.

“What are you doing?” Callie asked as she watched her pick up her purse.

Erica looked lost and mixed up with emotions Callie couldn’t identify, all churning under a quickly settling layer of safety and nothingness.

“I can’t do this.”

Callie took a step forward,

“Erica, wait.” but Erica moved to the door.

“Can we just…talk tomorrow? I need some time.”

Callie’s shoulders fell in resignation. Her hands stayed in the air, and dropped to her sides.

“…Okay.”

Erica nodded and left….

Callie blinked back to her present self in the mirror. She needed to peel herself and her insecurity off the bottom of that empty wine bottle; get those dark circles out from under her eyes, and figure things out. Trudging over to the shower, she stripped off her clothes and climbed inside, retching the knob into a hard right, without bothering to wait for the water to heat up before letting it hit her.

***

“Um…I’m…I’m sewing him up Dr. Hahn.”

“Really?” Erica looked from Lexie, to the man’s chest, to Lexie again, before continuing.

“Because your hands are shaking like a preteen about to cop his first feel.”

Karev let out a muffled laugh from his place next to the I.V. drip where he stood writing in the chart.

“And the point is actually for him NOT to have scarring Grey; for the stitches to actually be LESS than a football field’s width apart.”

Erica looked up and ignored the look of horror and hurt on Lexie’s face.

“Karev, take over. ”

She snapped off her gloves and turned to leave them to it, but not without rolling her eyes at Lexie’s shocked whisper of,

“Football field?” to Alex.

She reached up to her neck and rubbed beneath her blonde hair as she headed for the nearest lounge.

Coffee. Coffee would be a good thing. Caffeine in hot form can make a person whole and calm like nothing else. It’s better than a morphine drip.

As she made it into the thankfully silent space, more than grateful to be the only one in it at the moment, her thoughts turned to Callie for the millionth time since seeing her the night before. Also, for the millionth time, she mentally kicked and berated herself for being stupid, and acting like she had.

She’d panicked when Callie had rattled off all the reasons she was nervous about them sleeping together. Mostly, because they didn’t match her own reasons. She wanted to talk to her…to make things right, but she wasn’t really sure how.

Save a man from immanent death by practically reconstructing his body’s most essential organ? No bid deal. Explain to Callie that no, she wasn’t scared because of how awful having sex with her might be, but because, on the contrary, she was pretty certain it would be the most fucking fantastic thing she’d ever experienced, and she’d never want to stop? Not so much.

With a last gulp of black liquid, (not adding the cream and sugar was kind of self punishment in a way) she berated herself like she would a trembling intern once more, then pushed back out into the hospital.

She tried in vain to roll away the knots in her shoulders as she waited for the elevator.
When it finally arrived she wanted to turn in the other direction at the sight of its one loan occupant, but steeled her frame, set her jaw, and climbed aboard instead.

Mark Sloan sized her up with his lazy smile as the doors closed them into silence.

“Dr. Hahn.”

Erica just looked at him with slight exasperation in lieu of a verbal response, then cast her eyes back to the changing lights above the doors.

“What’s the matter?” Mark continued. “Rough night with Torres?”

Something inside Erica came close to snapping and she fought the urge to grind her teeth as she came back with, “Mark, I swear to God-”

But her sentence was cut off by a jerking of the elevator, and it’s sudden jolt to a complete stop. They both braced themselves with a hand to it’s walls as the lights went out and a lesser glow from a back up system cast shadows on them.

“What the hell?” Mark asked out loud.

Erica regarded the panel of lights both above and beside the door, and closed her eyes.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me.”

Mark glanced at her before reaching out with a sigh and hitting the call button. A dial tone sounded and then a ring, which repeated itself several times with no voice picking up to answer. Erica finally hit the button to hang up, with much frustration, as Mark pulled out his cell and made a happy sound about that fact that he had two bars worth of a signal.

She regarded him with mild irritation while he reached someone, and explained their situation, then hung up.

“Sounds like we’re gonna be here a while.”

Erica rolled her eyes and punched a couple of floor buttons in a half hearted effort, then finally gave up and slid down the opposite side of the elevator from Mark, resting on the tile floor as she faced him with disdain.

“That’s just super.” She answered less than sincerely.

He mimicked her position, and let his head fall back against the wall behind him.

“Hey, it could be worse.”

“How? How could possibly be worse for me than being stuck in an elevator with YOU.” Erica asked spitefully.

“At least you’re not stuck in here with Stevens.”

Erica blinked at him.

“Point well taken.”

He grinned at her as they sat in silence.

***

Callie toweled her hair and shook the curls free, sucking in air at the sensation of feeling almost decent again. She popped open a fresca, grateful for the settling fizz in her stomach, and dropped back onto the sofa with her phone in hand. Scrolling to the phonebook and seeing Addison’s name resting above Erica’s, she took in another breath and pushed the little green phone button.

Six rings and she’d almost lost her nerve, but then a connection grounded her and pushed her over the deep end.

“Callie hey!” Addison’s warm voice greeted her, sounding surprised and happy for it.

“I want to have sex with Erica Hahn.” Callie blurted heavily into the mouth piece on her phone.

Deadening silence greeted her for the briefest of seconds.

“O-kay.” Addison answered somewhat evenly. “I’m guessing by your tone that “I told you so” would not be the right response right now.”

“Very funny.” Callie offered back flatly. She could hear Addison breathe in.

“What’s going on Cal?”

Callie sighed at the realization that Addison was the only one who shortened her name like that besides Erica. She examined the shine of the aluminum comprising the top of her soda can, as she willed herself to spill her semi secrets.

“We’ve started a…relationship.”

“That’s great Callie.” Addison answered back immediately, with nothing short of sincerity.

“It is great.” Callie continued. “Really great actually…I don’t know what it all means, but…I know that it’s good. And I’m trying to just enjoy it, but…”

“But what?”

“But I want more.” Callie confessed fully. “I mean…we’ve done stuff, and it’s been good.. But not EVERYTHING, you know what I’m saying? And last night, I tried to push it. I had a plan and everything. I brought Erica to my new apartment,”

“Wait, you have a new apartment?” Addison cut in.

“Yeah, I’ll get to that,” Callie went on, “ Anyway, I brought her over, and I thought it would be perfect, and I thought she was totally ready, and I was ready, and then…nothing.”

“What do you mean nothing?”

“Actually, she walked out.” Callie spoke out into the air with a wave of her hand only she could see. She took a drink of the fresca. “She asked if I was scared and I said yes, and we talked a little about why. Then she said she couldn’t do it, and she needed time, and she walked out.”

“Really?” Addison asked disbelievingly.

“Yeah. Really.” Callie confirmed.

There was a slight pause.

“Did you soak your bruised ego in a bottle of wine after she left?”

Callie half smiled.

“Were we separated at birth?”

She could here the smile in Addison’s voice as she went on.

“Yeah. We’re practically twins…Have you heard from her this morning?”

Callie pulled her phone back and looked at it for the millionth time just to see if she might have missed a blinking voice mail signal in the past five seconds.

“No.”

Addison made a noise as if to say she was stumped while she mulled it over.

“Well, she is completely into you. It’s painfully obvious, which is why I called this whole thing months ago, so it’s not that.”

Callie rolled her eyes.

“Yeah? Then why the shooting me down? I’m starting to get ragingly insecure here, and we both know that’s not pretty.”

“Okay…wait.” Addison’s voice held the tone of someone who just had a light bulb glow inside their head. “What if it’s not about her NOT wanting you, because again, I really think that is SO not it.”

“Okay.” Callie pushed her on.

“What if she wants you too much?”

“Wait…what?” Callie’s brow furrowed and she picked the phone up once more from where she’d been balancing it between her ear and shoulder.

“It makes perfect sense.” Addison went on. “She’s “too” into you and it’s freaking her out. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be such a big deal.”

“You think?” Callie’s nose wrinkled with her brow.

“Think about it Callie. You’re brave.”

“What?” Callie’s face fell with confusion.

“You’re brave.” Addison went on. “Erica isn’t.”

“She’s a heart surgeon.” Callie offered sarcastically, not picking up on the point.

“Exactly. She protects hearts. Especially her own. Like there’s steel around it. I could sense that just from spending an evening with her. She doesn’t put it out there. You’re brave. You put yours out there again and again. It gets ripped out, and you dust if off and put it back on display. Erica doesn’t do that.”

Callie didn’t answer. She couldn’t. It scared her to think of what that implied and what it might mean if it were true. And it scared her more to think of what it might mean if it weren’t.

They continued talking for a few more minutes before Addison got pulled away by work. She hung up with a few more words of encouragement for Callie and a promise that she’d check in with her later. Callie sat and stared at the phone for a long moment. Her other hand felt the condensation gathering on the soda can against her palm. In her mind, her inner voice spoke a sobering thought.

“I’m tired of being the only one putting it out there.”

Maybe Addison was right. Maybe it was something else entirely. But whatever was going on in Erica’s mind, she wanted desperately to be let in on it…even if it hurt. She couldn’t force her though, couldn’t drag it out of her. Erica needed to come to her. With a heaviness to her movements, she opened her phone once more and dialed a different number.

She took a deep breath in, and tightened her grip on the phone.

“You’ve reached Dr. Erica Hahn. Please leave a message.”

She let a shallow breath out.

“Erica it’s me….Listen, I just want to say….I‘m still me. I’m still the person you can talk to about…things. Whatever you’re feeling or…not feeling. It’s okay to let me know.”

***

“So,” Mark crossed his arms and looked Erica in the eye. “What’s going on with you and Torres?”

Erica looked back at him with an expression full disbelief and attitude to say the least.

“There is no way in hell, I am talking to YOU about...Callie.”

“Why not?” Mark looked almost hurt. “I know her as well as anyone.”

Erica clamped her jaw as her inner voice mumbled, “Which I hate.” Instead she opted for a cold, “No kidding.”

“Come on.” Mark crossed his legs where they stretched out next to hers, not deterred in the slightest. “It’s got to be hell not talking to anyone about it.”

“What makes you think I don’t talk to anyone about it?”

He just looked at her in response with an expression that told her to give him a break.

She staid silent. He thought it over, seemingly content for the conversation to be one sided if he couldn’t get her to chime in. He wasn’t being his usual teasing, mocking self though. To his credit, he came off genuinely sincere.

“I think you’re afraid.”

Erica huffed.

“I’m not afraid.”

“You are.” Mark challenged, looking over briefly to see if the lights on the light panel had lit up yet. “You’re afraid because it’s with a woman, but you’re mostly afraid because it’s Callie…And you care about her more than even you realized.”

“Can it Sloan.”

“Why? Because I’m right?” Mark sat up and wrapped his arms around bent knees as he scooted a touch closer to Erica. “Because you’re terrified of how it will feel if you let her know you that well and she walks away? Believe me. I get it. There‘s reasons behind being a man whore. And they‘re not all what you might think.”

Erica stood up abruptly and glared at him.

“What the hell gives you the nerve to think that I want to sit here and listen to you, YOU of all people, talk about Callie? And give me advice about my personal business? Why don’t you get that I completely loath your very existence?”

Mark looked up at her from the floor, unwavering.

“You don’t hate me.”

Erica’s eyes widened.

“Really?”

“Really.” Mark confirmed as he finally stood, and got in her face.

“You’re jealous of me because I shared something with Callie that YOU want to share with her, only you’re too chicken shit to go for it.”

“Excuse me?” Erica stepped up to him. The elevator suddenly felt claustrophobic.

“It’s true.” Mark shrugged. “You know it is. You saw what she and I did and you were jealous, but at the same time you would never be a part of something that casual and meaningless. You’re afraid that’s what Callie wants with you too, but you’re wrong. She doesn’t want me as anything more than a friend. She wants you as a whole hell of a lot more than that. And you‘re the first person she‘s wanted it with in a long time.”

Erica wanted to combat him but she found for the first time that she couldn’t. Just then, then elevator lights came back up and the cables began to pull. It hummed back to life.

“Erica.” Mark went on. “It’s Callie. Don’t blow it. She’s worth the risk.”

He turned to face the doors as they opened, then walked back out into the bustle of hospital and it’s chaos. Erica stepped out more slowly, ignoring the looks of people nearby who’d known the elevator was stuck and most likely that she and Sloan were stuck together. By the time she made it to the attending locker room she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. Pulling it out, she watched the screen flash with the icon that told her she had a missed call, and her breath caught as she flipped it open and saw that it was from Callie. After an inner debate, she held it to her ear and listened to the message.

***

Callie had cleaned her entire apartment, even though it didn’t really need it because it had just been done the day before. She’d taken a second, extra long shower. And finally, she’d gotten dressed, and fixed her hair and make up, having decided she needed to get out of the house, sit in a bar, and hopefully drink nothing but Club Soda and lime.

She hadn’t gotten a response from her message to Erica.

It was killing her, but she’d be damned if she left another one. She just wanted to be out, in the fresh air, in the energy of night time, amongst strangers she could people watch while shoving away her own thoughts.

She was reaching for her purse when she heard the knock on the door behind her. Straightening up slowly, she turned and went to the door, letting her hand rest on the knob briefly, before pulling it open.

Erica was there, looking nervous…and beautiful. Her hair looked extra full. Her eyes looked extra blue.

“Hey.” she greeted Callie in a soft tone.

“Hi.” Callie offered back, wanting to be angry, but feeling the anger evaporate away at the sight of her.

“Can we talk?” Erica asked.

“Sure.”

Callie stepped aside and motioned her in, in a much more somber way than she had the night before.

They stood facing each other quietly. Callie let her purse drop to the floor, and she took Erica’s jacket and purse.

“Do you want something to drink?”

“Maybe water?”

Callie moved into the kitchen and came back a minute later with a glass, which Erica didn’t take, but looked at before she brought her eyes up to Callie’s.

“I’m sorry.”

Callie sat the glass down on the countertop and looked at her.

“Okay.”

Erica shook her head slowly; her curls bouncing softly against her face.

“I panicked.”

Callie swallowed the lump in her throat.

“Are you…just not…attracted to me?”

Erica looked confused and then surprised. She took a step forward.

“Callie are you kidding? That is SO not it.” she shook her head again.

Callie nodded, but looked away, obviously not convinced.

Erica saw in her expression that she wasn’t fixing things like she meant to. She steeled herself on the inside, to let go…to break free and leap. Her eyes ran over Callie’s face as she confessed.

“When you started naming all the things you're scared about, I got scared because…all of your reasons…aren’t my reasons.”

Callie looked up, but didn’t say anything, so Erica went on.

“I’m not afraid it’s going to be bad Callie…I’m afraid it’s going to be earth shatteringly good.”

Callie blinked as she took in the words. The corners of her mouth tipped up in a slight smile.

“And that would be a bad thing?”

“It would be a scary thing.” Erica confirmed firmly.

“Because?” Callie coaxed her on.

“Because…” Erica sucked in the confidence to continue. “What if this is just a passing thing for you?.. I’m pretty sure it isn’t for me. I like that you‘re a woman.”

Callie’s expression grew serious again. The pieces started to fit themselves into place.

“Erica-”

“What if” Erica cut her off and continued. “What if this is just fun for you…Nothing more than what you had with Sloan? Or what if you wake up one morning in a couple of weeks, and look at me and realize I’m a woman…and that you don’t like it?”

Callie took a step closer and got back into her personal space for the first time since the night before.

“Erica.” She wanted to touch her, but again felt achingly, as though she couldn’t…or shouldn’t.

“Don’t you think I know that you’re a woman? That you’re Erica? That you're different from Sloan? Or any man I‘ve been with?”

She shook her head mostly to her self as she cast her eyes around the room and tried to visually gather her thoughts.

“I know. I knew that when I started to panic inside like a maniac because I realized I was attracted to you. I knew that when I was sleeping with Sloan and it was completely, entirely about YOU. I knew that when I thought about kissing you and how different it might be. I knew that when I did kiss you, and I liked it, and I put my friendship with you ERICA, my best friend, on the line. I knew that when I said I wanted you to be my girlfriend. Not my boyfriend.”

She barely sucked in a breath before she kept going.

“I know who you are Erica, and I know you’re a woman. And …I don’t care! I’ve been waiting for it to make a difference, expecting it to come sneaking up and make a difference while we go slow but not too slow, or whatever the fuck it is that we’ve been doing!“

Her voice dropped off and lowered as she ran out of steam. Her chest felt like it held a brick inside.

“But the truth is, the scary, terrifying truth is, apparently… for me…it doesn’t make a difference.”

Callie had tears in her eyes when she finally stopped talking. Erica looked at her with shock and her own whirling, jumbled emotions, warring for expression on her face. She took a step forward and whispered her name,

Callie held her hands up to stop her, as she spoke again.

“I just want this with you. I want this. With YOU.” her eyes shimmered as they flashed back and forth over Erica’s. “I want to express what I’m feeling, physically. What we’re both feeling, and if you don’t let me soon I-”

Erica stopped her by pulling her into a searing, melting kiss that resembled the one they’d shared by the bench, only multiplied by a thousand. She felt Callie physically mold against her, and all the stress they’d both been hauling around evaporated into the air. It was like a fire sparking to life you don’t expect, but suddenly realize you ached for. Hands tangled in hair and pulled. Tongues swept together with wet friction, and Callie pulled Erica’s hips against her own as she moaned into her mouth without control. Erica cupped her face and broke the kiss first, eyes crackling with desire and heavy with need. Callie’s lips were swollen and her chest already flushed. She let Erica take her hands and pull her back down the path she’d pushed her onto the night before.

When they made it to the bed this time, it was Callie’s legs that met the mattress. She used the force to push herself forward into Erica, and slide her hands up under Erica’s shirt, taking it with her as she pulled her hands up. It slid up and off and landed in the corner. Callie tried to cup her hands over the midnight blue bra that met her eyes but Erica stopped her and made her let her take her shirt off in turn. They kissed, and Callie felt steam rise up inside her as she felt Erica reach for the button on her jeans, and not stop this time until it was loose.

She laid a flat hand on Erica’s stomach and pushed her back slightly, to give herself room to shimmy out of her pants in front of her. When she stepped out of them, she pulled Erica back to her by the loop on her pants and waited for her to do the same.

They stood there, finally down to nothing but lingerie, touching gently, fingertips exploring shoulders and arms, and stomachs, kisses mounting in want. Callie pulled back, hands in Erica’s hair, chest pressed against hers.

“I’m still scared that I won’t know what to do.”

Erica ran a thumb over her cheek and lowered her lips to the same place, running them down and over her jaw, and back to her ear.

“It’s still me Callie…You can do anything you want. Trust me…I‘ll like it.”

Callie let her head fall back with a breathy moan as Erica ran her tongue down her neck,
and then tugged on her hair until she was able to fuse her mouth back to her own as they fell onto the bed.

Erica’s body covered hers completely, and it felt like fire every where their skin met. She kept her hands in Erica’s hair as she let her look at her, and fought any feelings of inadequacy. By the look on Erica’s face, she didn’t need to worry.

Erica ran a hand over her stomach, down her hip and back again. She let her finger tips and then her palm, smooth over Callie’s breasts, and then around, behind her back. She unclasped Callie’s bra and pulled it off and away, but before she could continue touching, Callie insisted on doing the same to her.

They traded heavy breathing and longing looks, until Callie brought her hand up, and cupped Erica’s breast in full, squeezing and hefting it up while pulling her back down to kiss again. She ran a thumb over the hardening nipple as her tongue swept over Erica’s and swallowed the deep moan that it brought out. Erica pulled her hand away and pinned them on either side of her head, bringing her chest to weigh heavily against Callie’s.

“I’ve never felt this.”

Erica whispered against Callie’s mouth as she felt her breasts heave beneath her.

“Me either.” Callie whispered back, turning her wrists in Erica’s hands and feeling the excitement mix within her at the feeling of being pinned down.

Erica again brought her mouth to Callie’s throat and bit and sucked. She moved down slowly to her breasts and didn’t hesitate any further when she got there, hefting them both into her hands and watching them spill out. She covered them and squeezed as she lowered her mouth to first one, then the other, bathing the nipple with tongue and sucking it, and the flesh around it, deeply into her mouth. Callie arched up into the contact and couldn’t help the deep breathing that rushed out of her lungs into the hot air.

Erica finally brought her face back up to Callie’s and kissed her again, running a hand slowly down her middle as Callie held onto her and ran her nails down her back.

“I know exactly what I want to do to you.” Erica breathed against her mouth, watching her eyes darken.

Callie wrapped a hand in her hair as she felt Erica’s hand slide between her legs and over her panties.

“Show me.”

It was all the encouragement Erica needed, and then she was swiftly moving lower, between Callie’s legs, pulling her underwear off and away, spreading her legs wide as though she’d done it a million times.

Callie watched, palming her own breasts, unable to talk as Erica lowered herself, and bent her legs, hitching them over her shoulders and pulling her more squarely down.

Erica looked up her body, and into impossibly dark eyes, before she went down on her.

The taste was exquisite. Dark and mysterious and addictive; Just like Callie. Erica plunged forward and bathed every bit of her with a warm and eager tongue, becoming a fast study. Callie couldn’t believe the sensations she felt or the waves of the pleasure so quickly mounting and racking through her. Her desire was fuelled by the sight of looking down and seeing that the person bringing her to orgasm, was Erica. It was Erica’s blonde hair spilling over her stomach. It was Erica’s tongue swirling and pressing, and plunging inside her. Her hands were in Erica’s hair as she gave herself over, and nearly screamed with pleasure as her body was raked over the edge, and pushed and pulled against the waves. Erica didn’t stop, didn’t lessen the firm grip on her hips or the pressure of her tongue against her clit, or it’s deep swirl inside her core until she felt Callie gently push her back.

She came up her body slowly as she took in the way Callie looked. Callie sucked in air and finally opened her eyes to look up at her with a heavy lidded expression, full of the kind of sex that makes you ache.

“I can’t believe you’ve never done that before.” she breathed out shakily.

Erica smiled slowly and brushed her hair back from her face, where it stuck to her cheeks.
She didn’t know what to say.

Callie looked up at her, let herself take in her whole face, her deep blue eyes, and her swollen lips, her flushed pale skin.

“I want to feel you.”

She kissed her and pushed back as she did, until they rolled and Erica was on the bottom. Callie’s eyes ran the length of her body. She held Erica’s gaze and watched her eyes flutter shut as she palmed her breasts, and ran her fingertips over the nipples, watching the skin pucker. She sucked the right one into her mouth and swirled her tongue around it, bit down just slightly with her teeth and then bathed it again with her tongue as she slid a hand down Erica’s stomach. She brought her tongue down and dipped it into her belly button as she pulled Erica’s panties down, sitting up to watch them slide down her impossibly long legs.

When she had her completely naked, she slid over and up her body, kissing her deeply while parting her legs with her knee. When she slid her thigh down and up, so that it connected with Erica’s center and all the wetness there, Erica broke the kiss and her head feel back against the pillow, neck and body arching into Callie.

Callie looked down at her as she rocked into her, sliding her leg against her, burning with the contact, and finding a rhythm.

“You’re so wet.” She whispered down to her. Erica felt her warm breath blow over her face and fought to look up into her eyes.

“Get inside me…Please.”

Callie smiled seductively, and pushed her leg firmly up and let it slide slowly and firmly.

“Tell me again.”

Erica ran her hands into Callie’s hair and pulled her down to her mouth.

“I need you…inside me.”

They kissed again as Callie slid her moist palm back down Erica’s body, over her breast and stomach, down past her abdomen and into the slickness and heat.

Erica moaned and arched up into her, breaking the kiss and writhing with want for it.

“Please.”

Callie stroked over her clit and over the swollen folds. Erica looked up into her eyes and spoke her name, and it made her plunge her fingers in, deeply, without thought or concern for doing it wrong, which she clearly wasn’t. The knowledge of it made her bolder, and more confident, and she coaxed Erica on as she thrilled at the feel of how warm, and tight, and wet she was.

“Like this?”

“God yes.” Erica breathed out as she began to meat Callie’s plunging with her thrusting hips. She couldn’t get her deep enough, far enough, inside enough. It felt like fireworks, and explosions, and going blind in the best way. When Callie pushed her two fingers even farther and let her thumb begin to hit Erica’s clit with each thrust it was too much to take for long, and Erica’s whole body snapped and pulsed and exploded with the kind of wet orgasm that you don’t know exists until you have one.

Callie looked down at her with awe, kissing her face while waiting for her to come around. When Erica did, she reached up and ran her fingertips over Callie’s face, let Callie brush her hair away from her own damp skin. They lingered in each other’s eyes as they breathed in the smell, and the feel of passion and sex.

Callie was the first to grin, which made Erica’s lips turn upward, and then bubbling laughter sprang out of them both and mixed in the intimate air held between them. They kissed, and smiled, and laughed some more.

It was like Callie had said. They just might, after it was over, look at each other and laugh.

Except it wasn’t bad…and it definitely wasn’t scary.

~Finis~

Episode 10 (Part 1)....Frustrating Progression...

2009-02-05T13:14:00.008-06:00

Frustrating Progression...

Callie flung open the door to Cristina’s bedroom, and hurled the shoe into the space, satisfied only when it made a resounding thwack against the headboard above Cristina’s sleeping frame. She sat up in bed with a muffled curse and puffy face, and barely missed the other shoe as it came flying by.

“What the hell?”

Callie came in the room a minute later with a pile of Cristina’s wayward belongings and dumped them unceremoniously onto the end of her bed.

“Get your crap," she dropped the last item dramatically, "out of my space.”

She cocked her head in true “Torres” fashion, and pulled an expression that could rival even Bailey’s “I mean business” face, as she put her hands on her hips.

Cristina regarded her briefly with a half empty, half irritated expression, and then fell back to her pillow unfazed, ignoring the pile of “crap” and pulling her covers over her head. From beneath them Callie heard her dry response.

“Get your own place.”

Callie started to respond, but her mouth opened and closed, and a little bit of steam left her. Instead, she left the room with a firm shut to the door.

***

“Okay…Dr. Grey, what can cause a stroke in a patient this young and otherwise healthy?” Erica regarded Lexie with a quiet sternness in her expression.

Lexie felt jumbled and taken off guard. She hadn’t had much interaction with her, and rumor of how tough she was definitely preceded her. She got momentarily distracted by the blue in her eyes, and the realization that they’d never been focused directly on her before.

“Uhmm…” she cleared her throat and shook her self. “Con-congenital heart defect.”

Erica sized her up and then handed the chart off to Alex.

“Karev, lets move the patient to testing. Start out with an EKG and full exam and find out.”

She walked away and Lexie stood frozen, ramrod straight, holding her breath. She finally swallowed.

“She makes me nervous. She’s so…intimidating.”

Alex scrunched up his face in response.

“Suck it up.”

Lexie rolled her eyes as she snapped into motion to get the gurney ready for transport.

“Gee thanks.”

Alex showed no real sympathy as he took hold of the bars and began pulling the bed and patient backward.

“She’s a genius. Just pay attention.”

***

Erica came through the door to the lounge on five and felt stress physically release from her shoulders at the sight of Callie.

“Hey.” she drew out in her deep voice.

Callie loved how intimate it sounded. How it took on a tone she only ever heard when they were alone together. She couldn’t help smiling in response as she watched Erica grab some coffee and them come to sit across from her at the small table.

“Hey yourself. Crazy morning?” she asked, cocking a brow at the size of the coffee mug Erica had chosen, and nearly laughing at the expression that briefly took over Erica’s face as she responded.

“Just heavy on the intern exposure. Plus, Karev is starting to get all weird with me. It’s a little bit too…Yang.”

“Hmm.” Callie huffed, and reached across the small space, sliding Erica’s mug over and taking a sip.

“I think he has a crush on you.”

Erica looked completely surprised and non-believing. Her face said, ‘Give me a break.’

“Karev?”

Callie took another sip, and just looked at her silently in a very Addison like fashion.

“No.” Erica continued. “A crush on my skills maybe. But that’s it.”

“Still.” Callie shrugged, enjoying how Erica’s eyes came down to her lips, every time she took a sip from the same place her own lips had just been. “I’m not above fracturing something if he doesn’t back off.”

Erica smiled as Callie slid her mug back to her and their hands briefly touched.

“Really?”

“Really.” Callie looked all serious beneath her playfulness. Her pulse paused and then skyrocketed at Erica’s response.

“That’s incredibly sexy.”

Erica decided to change the subject before her body temperature got any warmer.

“What’s that?” she glanced down at the folded newspaper and red pen Callie had been engrossed in when she’d come in.

“Potential new living arrangements for me.” Callie answered as she picked them up again, and flashed Erica the apartments heading.

“I thought I was going to have World War III with Cristina this morning over her disgusting inability to keep from leaving her crap everywhere.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Callie let out a deep breath. “But then she actually pointed out the brilliant idea that I’d somewhat forgotten, which was that I could actually move out, and into my own space.”

“Oh.” Erica raised her brows with mocking. “That’s funny. So when Yang suggests it, it‘s a brilliant idea?”

They both knew Erica had been suggesting it practically since they’d met; just as quickly as Callie had invited her over and she’d responded to Callie’s information that she was rooming with Cristina with a resounding and disbelieving, “You live with Yang?”

“I know, I know.” Callie had the good graces to look slightly embarrassed. “You’ve been pushing it forever….I’m just….” She looked briefly like she didn’t want to continue.

“Scared.”

“Of not living with Yang?” Erica asked teasingly, knowing the real reason, which Callie admitted to.

“Of being a complete adult.”

Erica dropped her chin, as she looked into Callie’s eyes, and let their knees touch beneath the table.

“Cal…it’s time.”

Callie looked back at her and felt her chest swell with affection, and much more. For a breath she didn’t respond, as they just traded stares, but finally she agreed.

“I know.” She reached out and took a chance, slowly running her fingertips up Erica’s forearm, more than surprised that Erica allowed the touch at work.

“And speaking of a good time…” she took in a breath and Erica couldn’t help but notice, and very nearly feel, how her chest swelled, even beneath a scrub top. “Last night was really…”

“Amazing.” Erica filled in the sentence.

“Yeah.” Callie let out her breath.

It was the farthest they’d been physically thus far. They’d started out with a movie and Chinese and ended in the bedroom, making it as far as taking everything off from the waist up, occupying hands and mouths with undiscovered territory for more than an hour. Just when Callie thought Erica was going to unbutton her pants, she’d instead guided Callie’s hand there instead. It was achingly hot, but not enough.

After some solidly erotic flashbacks in both their minds, they came back to the present moment; trading quiet glances again. Callie pulled her hand back and tried to calm her own nerves as she let her chin rest on her palm, and looked at Erica under heavy, honest lashes.

“But when you asked if you were going to get to take my clothes off soon…didn’t you mean all of them?”

Erica took a heavy breath of her own.

“…Yes.”

She purposely let her leg brush against Callie’s as she stood, and leaned on the table to talk directly into her ear, blowing warmth breath against it.

“Keep looking for that apartment Torres.”

***

Derek came up beside Erica and dropped a patient chart onto the countertop of the nurses station, in a manner not nearly as invasive as Dr. Sloan’s.

“Nice job on Mr. Caruthers yesterday Dr. Hahn. Webber said it got a bit sketchy,”

Erica nodded.

“Well, actually I think Richard got his panties in a bunch a little too quickly. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but…thank you.”

Derek smiled. They hadn’t spoken about Mrs. Werther since her passing. They really didn’t need to. Unspoken understandings were something they could both respect. Just as he was about to say something else, Lexie came up behind them with an arm full of ex-rays and other materials. Her presence was full of nervous energy.

“Excuse me, Dr. Hahn?”

They both turned around.

“Dr. Grey.” Erica answered back. Lexie shifted on her feet.

“Sorry to interrupt, but…”

“But?” Erica prompted when she didn’t continue right away.

“But Alex and I found the cause…Or, what we think was the cause. Or the problem. And I was just going to page you, but then I saw you standing here with Dr. Sheperd so I didn’t…Page you.”

Lexie blinked at her, and Derek hid his amusement as he watched them interact while crossing his arms.

“And?” Erica prompted once more, irritation lacing it’s way across her tone.

Lexie swallowed hard.

“You make me nervous.”

Erica looked annoyed.

“Excuse me?”

“Nervous.” Lexie continued, steeling herself into admitting why she was acting like a babbling idiot. She really couldn’t stop the words from rushing out. “I’m intimidated by you…because…because you’re kind of scary…You scare me...But I’ll get over it. That’s why I’m nervous. I mean…I didn’t want you to think I’m just…stupid.”

Erica blinked at her.

“What did you FIND Dr. Grey?”

“Oh.” Lexie finally seemed to snap half way out of her stupor. “Right….A hole. Not a tear, but a tiny hole. In the left ventricle.”

Erica held out her hand for the films and tests, which Lexie handed over in a hurry.

“Where’s Karev?”

“With the patient.”

Erica took off in his direction with tired annoyance and not another word.

Lexie watched her go and then looked at Derek who still stood beside her, smiling openly now.

“I blew it. I’m an idiot.”

She threw her hands into the air in defeat.

“Word of advise Grey.”

“Please.”

He leaned in and lowered his voice a bit.

“Relax.”

Lexie rolled her eyes.

“You’re a Dr. too Dr. Grey. Just be one.”

She swallowed and nodded.

“And uh…Don’t tell Attendings you’re afraid of them…Ever.” He grabbed a new chart and made to leave. “It will just make us pick on you even more.” He started to back away.

“Plus, it makes our egos…” He gestured a wide space between his hands, which at least made Lexie smile a little as she watched him go, and prepared to jump back in the ring with Alex and Hahn.

***

“Damn it!”

“What’s the problem?” Mark asked as he watched Callie slam the phone down harshly into it’s cradle. They stood next to the bay of payphones outside the cafeteria.

“I’m trying to get a hold of this stupid land lord for this stupid apartment, and that was my second message.”

She reached into the coin slot, grabbing her change.

“Didn’t you just start looking for an apartment this morning?”

“Yeah.” Callie admitted with annoyance. “So?”

“So?” Mark crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. “Since when are you in such a rush?”

Callie glanced briefly over her shoulder before reaching to pick up the phone again.

“Since Erica insinuated this morning, that if I got one…we might actually have sex.”

“Really?” Mark’s eyebrows rose, and his voice colored with mischievous intrigue. “Hot, dirty, full on, girly sex?”

“God I hope so.” Callie responded by punching the digits on the phone key pad with zest.

Mark chuckled as he watched her wait for an answer, then hang up again.

“Why haven’t you already? I mean it’s been…”

“A million years?” Callie cut in.

“Give or take.”

“I know.” Callie agreed. “I don’t know. But I am sooo ready. I need sex.”

He looked at her with a jokingly propositioning expression, and she rolled her eyes.

“Not with you. I need girl on girl sex…With Erica Hahn. I‘m over panicking in my head about it. I just need it.”

He smiled only because he knew her so well.

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

Callie looked annoyed.

“Yes.”

“I’m just saying,” Mark shrugged. “It must be a big deal. At least to her.” he knew, though he didn’t voice it, that it was a big deal to Callie too; whether she admitted it aloud or not. “Or else you would’ve gone there all ready.”

He looked at her seriously.

“Just making sure you know you’re ready. Because she’s not going to resist your hot Torres action much longer. I can tell.”

Callie’s sails depleted. She seamed to think it over for a minute and her expression grew more serious.

“Are you trying to make me freak out?”

He held up his hands in surrender.

“I’m just saying.”

“I really hate you.”

Episode 9...Understanding Erica

2009-01-30T01:17:00.004-06:00

Episode 9...Understanding Erica...

Erica stood beside Mrs. Werther’s bed and looked down at her as she pulled up from listening to her heart for the millionth time in the last week. She looked down at her pale, sleeping face, and felt her chest weigh heavy with a mix of old pain seeping in through new cracks. How could a person she didn’t know, effect her so much, simply because she resembled someone she used to know, a long time ago?… Of course, she didn’t just resemble her. She looked so much like her it was nearly impossible. She had the same frame, the same shade to her hair as Grandma Eileen’s, the same timber to her voice, though now she could harldy use it. She even had the same expressions in her eyes, though they were mixed in with confusion from her dementia. The similarities were an occurance even science couldn’t explain.

The poor woman had been up and down in condition over the past week. She’d suffered another stroke, which had brought the 911 page from Stevens, and then another after that. She had more problems than they’d originally thought.

The largest one perhaps, being simply that she was old.

To everything there is a season…It’s just not always the one you want.

Erica was monitoring the condition of her heart, weakened by the multiple traumas to her system, and Sheperd was doing his best to keep a healing hand on brain function, but she was slipping. She apparently had no family, no next of kin, and so she was just laying in Seattle Grace…teetering and drifting. Erica came in in the mornings and checked on her, before anyone else, and went on with her day before anyone else noticed. Or so she thought. Callie knew, but didn’t talk about it too much. She could tell when Erica needed to be pushed, and when she needed quiet space.

This morning Erica stood next to the bed in the earliest hours, and reached a hand down to hold a smaller more frail one; ignoring the voice inside her head that urged her to reach out with her finger tips and smooth white curls back from Mrs. Werther’s forehead. Her mind flashed through a vision of a younger her, doing just that to her grandmother as she lay in another hospital bed in a different hospital, with Erica the young woman, instead of Dr. Hahn the heart surgeon, standing above her.

“The prognosis isn’t good.” Derek interjected gently, as he stepped into the room.

Erica took her hands away, and let them grip the metal side rail instead; the cold sensation of it grounding her. She took a deep breath. She and Derek Sheperd had an unspoken understanding. Although she thought his drama with Grey to be highly unprofessional and laughable, she found herself judging it less these days. And talent wise, as a surgeon, she respected him. They’d shared an eye roll or two across space about Sloan, and a quiet high regard for the one and other's work.

“No. It isn’t.”

Derek came to face her from the other side of the bed. They stood there silently for a minute, both studying Mrs. Werther’s gentle expression and sleeping form. Derek’s voice came out soft, and certain.

“Erica,”

The use of her first name got her attention like he knew it would.

“We’ve done everything.”

Erica looked at him stoicly, without emotion on her face.

“Not enough though is it?”

Derek swallowed and tipped his head down. The lines on his face were extra pronounced today. The tiredness evident. The always present compassion under the sheen of concern that surfaced in his eyes and eyebrows, and around the corners of his mouth were enough of an answer, but still he replied,

“It never is.”

Erica brought her eyes up to his once more before pushing back from the bed and walking out. She had a habit of that. Pushing back when she wanted most to hold on.

Outside the room, she paused at a nearby nurses station to pull out a scrub cap and fasten her hair beneath it. She didn’t bother to greet Izzie as she stood there writing in a chart, but Izzie’s voice greeted her anyway.

“You care about her don’t you?”

Without hesitation, Erica finished tucking her hair beneath her cap and tying the strings at its base. She felt more like a surgeon with it on.

A little bit tougher, a little bit harsher. Liking sliding the armor into place, and hearing it clang.

“I CARE about all my patients Dr. Stevens…I just don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve like a desperate teenager in starving need of validation and affection.“

With that she turned and walked away, leaving Izzie in her hardening wake.

***

“Mom, I need help with this.”

“Not now.”

“But-” an eight year old Erica held out her math book took to her mother, swallowing back hesitation.

“Are you stupid? I said not NOW!”

Her mother took it and hurled it across the room. It hit heavily against the wall and slid down. Erica’s shoulders slumped as she turned and walked away, toward her book. She picked it up and smoothed a small hand over the rumpled page as she listened to her mom unscrew the cap on the bottle of Vodka. The glass jingled with shifting ice as it filled again. Erica settled back down at the table, and began to work the problem out for herself. Amidst numbers and questions, and words on pages she could drowned out any sound.

Books and studying felt safe. Knowledge felt like a warm blanket.

…

At age ten she found safety beneath a table of snacks at the wake. The table cloth hung down like a protective cloak. She imagined it being a barrier against anything painful, like a thick winter coat against a cold wind. The voices around her trickled about. She wished silently that the air conditioning would kick on like it did at night in the house. She would lay in bed, covers pulled to her chin, and let it block out all the other sounds, creating an invisible wall of protection.

“It was a terrible accident. The car rolled twice.”

“I heard she was drinking.”

“I heard she was always drinking. Damn shame.”

There was no hum of air conditioning in the funeral parlor, but she could imagine they all sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher.

When the table cloth lifted she expected a stern face, telling her to remove herself. She planned on telling them where to shove it, but instead she was caught off guard. A kind and gentle face appeared in the space expected to be filled with harshness.

“Hello.” Eileen offered gently.

“Hi.” Erica answered back with a flat tone.

“May I come in?”

“I guess.”

Eileen crawled in beside her, and settled herself on the floor in her skirt and high heels.

“Bum deal isn’t it?”

Erica didn’t answer.

Eileen put her arm around her shoulders, slowly, and gently.

They watched the table cloth and listened to the noise that people make when they don’t know what to say.

…

“Where have you been?” Erica asked, tears staining her cheeks and anger quickening her pulse. A bad day at school had her feeling raw and mad at everything. “If you’re my grandmother and you love me, then why did you leave me with her? Where were you for ten years?”

Eileen refused to back away, to do anything but stand her ground.

“You already have those answers.”

“Tell me again.”

Eileen sighed and sat on Erica’s bed.

“Your mother and I stopped speaking before you were born. I didn’t know about you….She was my daughter but she had a nasty habit of treating herself terribly…and after a long time…I couldn’t watch her do it any more….It was not a choice I took lightly…or one I necessarily think was the right one, but it’s one I live with every day…I would take it back a million times if it could mean that I was there for you…But I am here now…and I’m not going anywhere.”

…

Summer hung on in the air, refusing to give in to the onslaught of fall. It tugged at the leaves on the trees like a child gripping their mother’s skirt, and begged them not to turn color and fall too fast or too soon. Erica stepped off the school bus and walked slowly up to the front porch steps, smiling at her grandma as she took a seat beside her and let out a breath.

“So?” Eileen asked eagerly.

“So?” Erica echoed back in question.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Well” Eileen gestured, turning more directly toward her on the stoop with brimming pride and curiosity. “How was your first day of your last year of High School?” She patted Erica firmly on the knee and lifted her chin.

Erica blinked at her.

“Riveting.”

Eileen laughed and grasped Erica’s face lovingly in her hands, smiling as she did so while shaking her head.

“Still just as much of a smart ass I see….Just one of the many things I love about you my dear.”

They talked until the street filled with evening rush hour traffic.

…

“Did you go to the Doctor?” Erica asked sternly, dropping her back pack onto the kitchen table.

“I did.” Eileen answered matter of factly as she stirred the contents of the pot on the stove.

“And?”

“And…” Eileen turned around and wiped her hands on her apron and placed them on her hips.

“I have cancer.”

Erica’s mouth wanted to open, but it couldn’t.

“But,” Eileen raised her hands and adopted an expression that said not to panic. “No matter. I’m not the first and I won’t be the last. That’s what Doctor’s are for. It’s not the end of the world.”

Erica nodded and swallowed, but her mind echoed with questions. Loudest of all was the one that asked,

“But what if it’s the end of you?”

…

“You know you don’t have to do that sweetheart.”

“I know. I want to.” Erica answered as she smoothed the cream into her grandmother’s calves and rubbed the tension away. She knew her legs must be stiff and uncomfortable from being bed ridden. The chemo had left her hair oddly in place, but made her muscles ache and cramp.

“Come here.”

Erica moved up to the head of the bed, and let her grandmother take her hand. Eileen’s voice came out a bit shaky, but firm at the same time.

“Life is for the living.”

“Don’t say things like that.” Erica tried to pull her hand back, but the grip that held it was surprisingly strong for one so full of sickness.

“A dying woman will say what she wants and you’ll listen.”

Erica breathed in deeply, then sat on the edge of the bed, giving in and allowing her to continue.

“You are my life’s greatest gift…You are an extraordinary woman.” Her voice came out clear, and the distance and confusion that had started to make itself present in her eyes, was momentarily absent.

“You have a wonderful spirit, and a beautiful heart. Don’t hide it from the world with anger and pain.”

***

Derek pushed open the door to the attending lounge where he knew Erica was spending some time catching up on paper work. He didn’t say anything, but pulled off his scrub cap and crossed his arms as he distantly heard the door ease shut behind him. Erica didn’t look up at him, but her pen stopped moving across her paper.

“She didn’t make it did she?”

He took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry.”

After a beat she did look up at him. She nodded, and looked as though she might say something, but didn’t.

He fidgeted with his scrub cap, twisted it in his hands and made to leave but paused.

“Maybe…you should call Torres.”

Erica looked up at him, clearly caught off guard, but she quickly recovered her neutral expression. Without waiting for an answer he pushed the door open and left it to swing with her thoughts.

***

The room had been cleaned and the body prepared to make the trip downstairs, but it still waited in the room…unsent toward it’s next journey. Something told her Dr. Sheperd had something to do with that.

As she walked up to the head of the gurney, and looked down with a heavy heart at Mrs. Werther’s serene face. Her mind took her back to a scene in a cemetery, more than two decades past.

Ashes to ashes….Dust to dust.

Dirt is most dirty resting atop a coffin.

And life...is still for the living.

She bent down and kissed Mrs. Werther’s forehead gently.

***

Outside in the parking lot, Erica got into her car, and nearly shuttered at how loud the closing of her door sounded in the night. She put her keys into the ignition, but didn’t start the engine. Instead she slumped lower in her seat, and let her head fall back against the head rest. After a long moment’s passing, after breathing in and out, she reached into her purse and pulled out her cell phone.

After doing nothing but stare at it blankly, she flipped it open, and regarded the shimmer of the lit up screen, and the first name in the contact list.

Loneliness is numbing. It serves no purpose. It eases no kind of pain.

She pushed the button firmly and brought the phone to her ear. It rang three times before relief flooded her senses.

“Hey you.”

She swallowed and smiled, even as a tear rolled down her cheek.

“Hey Callie.”

Episode 8...Shifting Changing Hesitating...

2009-01-22T20:38:00.012-06:00

Shifting Changing Hesitating...

Erica was at her locker, gently placing her stethoscope around her aching neck and cursing her pounding headache, when a rattling sound caught her attention, and she looked up to see Callie, sauntering towards her while shaking a bottle of Advil. Callie looked tired but alert, and the smirk on her lips spoke volumes. She held the medicine out to Erica once she reached her, along with a bottle of water.

“Thought you might need this.”

Erica looked slightly embarrassed and irritated with herself, but also relieved at the offering.

“I so love you right now.” she offered in thanks, as she took a pill and washed it down.

Callie blinked at the sound of those words, but then shook herself and recovered.

“Have a good time?”

Erica grinned, even though it looked a bit painful for her to do so.

“Especially at the end of the night.” she said self assuredly as she closed her locker and met Callie’s eyes with confidence.

It was a reference to their two a.m. kissing that surprised Callie, and almost made her blush. Apparently all of Erica’s cockiness hadn’t subsided with the onset of the hangover from hell.

It was definitely a turn on.

“Where’d you go?” Callie asked as they turned to leave the locker room.

Erica hesitated outside the door, and they stopped in the hallway, standing just off to the side as she looked around and lowered her voice.

“Actually…I went to a gay bar.”

Callie’s eyebrows rose, and she clasped her clipboard a little more tightly against her chest with a smirk.

“Really?”

“Really.” Erica moved to the deserted nurse’s station and picked up a chart.

Callie followed and waited for more details, but when Erica didn’t volunteer any she prodded.

“So?…”

“So what?” Erica asked.

“Did you…like it?” Callie asked.

Erica finished a note and then paused and looked up.

“I did.”

“And?” Callie pressed further.

“And…” Erica continued quietly. “I got hit on.”

Callie’s face fell a little…involuntarily.

“You did.”

“I did.” Erica affirmed, a tone of disbelief still lingering in her voice. “By a woman who could’ve been mistaken for Addison.”

Callie blinked and her chin lowered a bit, along with her voice.

“Wait. Let me get this…straight.” she mixed up her expression and it, along with the choice of words, made Erica smile. “You went to a…to a lesbian bar…got drunk…and got hit on by an Addison Montgomery look-a-like. As in super thin, and…and beautiful, Addison…Last night?”

Callie regarded her with raised eyebrows and a bit of attitude coloring her features. Erica looked back at her bemused.

“I did.”

Callie’s face became expressionless.

“Oh.”

“It was fun.” Erica admitted lightly. “Surprisingly fun….Maybe we could go sometime.”

Callie blinked and nodded slowly. Her eyes glazed over a bit and she looked away. When she didn’t offer anything more, Erica’s face took on a bit of concern.

“You okay?”

“What?” Callie’s eyes came back to hers. “Oh yeah, fine. Just tired.”

“What are you still doing here? Shouldn’t you be headed home?”

“Yeah.” Callie nodded and took a breath. “But a patient came in last night that I wanted to keep an eye on, and then there were a couple of call-offs, so…I volunteered to stick around.”

Erica nodded and studied Callie’s expression and shifting stance.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah.” Callie answered a little too quickly, pulling her pager up from her waist and checking the time. “I’m fine. I just need to run. But I’ll catch you later?” she offered as she began to back away.

Erica looked a little confused as she answered slowly with, “…O-kay…”

***

“That’s good Yang. You can pick up the pace a bit….Not too fast.”

Cristina nodded, the concentration etched across her face presenting itself as sharply as the scalpel in her hand.

“I said, NOT too fast. What is it with you Yang, and your constant need to rush? You and Karev are rebuilding the man’s valve, not competing for some sparkly prize.”

“Yes Dr. Hahn.”

Karev smirked under his mask as he helped suction away the excess blood. He had to admit that even though he might be the only one, he liked Erica Hahn. She was tough, not soft; she didn’t make time for useless bullshit, like hand-holding, and she knew her shit and then some. He respected that.

Erica fought the urge to grip her hands at her sides as she stood beside Yang supervising the procedure. Her palms practically itched with the need to shove Yang and Karev out of the way, and complete the job herself. It was part of the reason teaching didn’t come exceptionally easy to her. She didn’t want to let others accomplish what she could accomplish her self. It felt safer, most efficient, to do it on her own.

“Karev, tell me why we chose the fifth intercostal space.”

“Faster, more visibility, and more space to correct any further damage not initially assessed.”

Alex brought his eyes up to Hahn’s, and though he’d never admit it to anyone, the spark of approval he saw flash there was the best compliment he could think of receiving all day, and at work in general.

When the surgery was complete, Erica stepped in and assessed the finished product, in the form of a fully functioning Mr. Jacoby once more, and nodded in approval.

“Good.” She offered, shoving down the need to take a deep breath. “Next time, a bit less hesitant with your instruments Karev, and stitches closer together Yang, but…decent job….Good Work.”

She walked away knowing they were smirking at each other with pride behind her back and it made her want to roll her eyes, but she suppressed that as well. When she was in the scrub room washing her hands, Chief Webber came in and greeted her. He’d been watching from the observatory deck.

“Nice job in there Dr. Hahn. You’re teaching skills are improving. I’m glad to see you took my advice.”

Erica made eye contact and nodded but didn’t say anything. The truth is she had listened and she was trying to do a better job, but the whole incident of him dressing her down had really bothered her. It was harder than anything for her to acknowledge, and admit that there was something she needed to improve on at WORK. It was the one area she felt solidly assured in in her life…until he’d reprimanded her. Frankly it still pissed her off, even if he was partially right, and she preferred to fix the problem in silence.

Webber crossed his arms and took a breath.

“However, I did want to take a moment to address an exchange I heard about between you and Izzie Stevens the other day.”

Erica’s spine hardened and her jaw squared as she turned to face the Chief.

“If you’re going to tell me I was too hard on her, and that I should’ve gently coached her through her emotional wreckage, you can sit on it.”

“Excuse me?” Webber’s eyebrows rose. Erica barreled on.

“If my teaching methods need work…fine. If there’s a better way for me to make them better Doctor’s fine. But I’m not going to coddle and hand-hold. I’m a surgeon for God sakes, not a baby-sitter and if that isn’t what you want me to be then we’re at a cross roads.” she pinned him with icilly stern eyes, and dared him to come back at her.

“Dr Hahn,” he breathed out wearily.

“Dr. Webber.” she came back and crossed her arms in mirror image as he challenged her with a look.

He continued after due pause.

“I was simply going to suggest, that you may want to refrain from threatening residents with the notion of sticking needles in their chests…or steak knives…as I believe I may have heard you use with Dr. Grey.”

Erica opened her mouth and closed it again.

“You can motivate without threats.” Richard continued. He studied her for a long moment.

“Erica…You’re an amazing surgeon, an inspiring doctor, and your potential to be a great teacher is starting to show through, but all that rage you carry around…it needs to come out.”

Erica looked at him without emotion, then turned back to the sink and began washing her hands once more. Her mind flashed backward to a memory.

“You need to calm your temper young lady. This instant.”

“I know Grandma, but I’m tired of everything…just being shit!”

Erica’s Grandma came up to the step below the one she stood on, and touched her shoulder, causing Erica’s grip on the banister to loosen.

“Sweetheart.” she said gently, “The world is full of shit, but it’s also full of much more than that…You’ve had your fair share of the bad, but you need to rise above. Anger is horrible for you. It’ll eat you up inside and leave you empty... With the most hatefulness directed at yourself.”

“So what am I suppose to do with it?”

“Turn it into good my dear. Channel it for use.”

“No offense, Richard, but I think you may be spending a little too much time on seven.”

The seventh floor was occupied by Psych and the staff psychologist.

He nodded in admittance.

“Maybe…but it might not hurt for you to wander up there once in a while.”

“I don’t need a shrink.” Erica scrubbed her hands vigorously, choosing to keep to herself the fact that she was already going. “I need residents who don’t act like emotional, roller coaster riding, babies.”

Richard let out a huff and looked from Erica to the ceiling.

“Yeah...that would be nice.”

***

Callie snapped her gloves off with irritation and picked up the chart dangling from the end of the comatose patient’s bed. She flipped back the metal cover forcefully, and began scratching writing onto the chart. George watched her silently from the other side of the bed for a minute, then bravely ventured a question.

“You okay?”

Callie’s eyes snapped up to his and hardened. Her expression became one of surprise and seemed to say,

“You’re kidding me right?”

With a huff she opted for a stern,

“I’m fine.” before re-hanging the chart and walking out.

George followed her down the hall after some hesitation, and walked into the otherwise empty resident’s lounge just as she was seating herself at the table in the center.
He saw and heard her sigh in frustration as he walked up to the table.

“I thought at some point we’d be friends again.” He said seriously.

Callie looked at him with utter disbelief.

“Seriously?”

“..Yeah.” he said hesitantly.

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

Callie stood up and came around the table to face him.

“George.” her movements were so forceful he took a half step back. “We were never friends.”

He looked confused, but before he could talk Callie continued.

“You were my lover, then my husband, then the guy who cheated on me, then my ex-husband. There’s no room for friendship in there. Okay?”

She looked tired, and angry, and a little bit hurt, and all he could muster for a response was,

“…Okay.”

She looked at him in a manner that implied she wanted to make sure what she’d said was clear, then turned away to close the conversation, but his words stopped her mid turn.

“I know about you and Hahn.”

Callie’s shoulders slumped, then squared, and she slowly turned back around.

“And?” she asked with frustration and annoyance.

“So it’s true?” George asked hesitantly. “You kissed…and you’re…” he gestured instead of finishing because he wasn’t sure how to finish.

Callie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. As she opened them again, some of her tension drained away. She’d known this was coming sooner or later.

“Yes.” she answered flatly, honestly.

George blinked at her, and nodded in his George way. He looked like he might turn and go, but then he spoke again.

“Is it…Have you always been this way?” Callie’s face was solemn, her lips a straight line. She didn’t need to think about a response. Instead she sighed and shrugged almost imperceptibly.

“Maybe…”

She felt her insides calm at the notion that her answer was true.

“Is it my fault?”

“It’s no one’s fault George. Being attracted to someone of the same sex isn’t a ‘fault.’”

Callie felt the sensation of churning, tumultuos waters turning into a soothing ripple.

George shifted from one foot to the other.

“No, I know that. I meant…is it…because of me? Because of how I hurt you?”

Callie looked away. She wanted to cry, to stomp her feet, to punch someone….maybe him…She wanted to punch him ,maybe, because she didn’t really want to punch him. Even after everything.

“George. You didn’t turn me gay, okay? That‘s not how it works.”

He looked back her, not entirely convinced.

“The way I feel about Erica…has nothing to do with you….” she tucked a stray hair behind her left ear. “It has everything to do with her.”

They stood there looking at each other in silence. George finally nodded, and simply said,

“Okay.”

He looked as though he might reach out and touch her arm, but thought better of it, and walked out instead. Callie watched the empty space he left behind for a moment, and then said aloud to herself,

“It has everything to do with her….”

***

“Dr. Stevens, you paged?” Erica asked as she approached Izzie, outside of room four thirty-three.

“I did.” Izzie confirmed, averting her eyes as she looked down at the chart in her hands.

“Mrs. Werther, Eighty-Three. Early stages of dementia.” she nodded her head toward the door. “Came in after suffering a stroke last night. Her motor functions on the right side have been compromised and she’s not in the best shape over all, but she’s stable. However, upon follow up exam this afternoon I thought I heard an irregularity when listening to her heart beat. I wanted you to check it out.”

When Izzie finally looked up Erica was staring through the glass window into the room where Mrs. Werther lay in her bed. Her expression was one of surprise, and something else Izzie couldn’t quite identify.

“Dr. Hahn?”

“Yeah.” Erica snapped back into place. “I’ve got it from here.”

Izzie clamped her jaw as she handed over the file folder and walked away.

Erica took a breath, and went into the room, steeling herself for the vision of the woman. As she approached the bed she smiled and stuck out her hand, swallowing as she grasped the old woman’s small left hand in her own, and introduced herself.

“My name is Dr. Erica Hahn. I’m going to listen to your heart okay?”

The woman looked as though she understood, and though she couldn’t easily nod, her eyes seemed to grant permission. The swirling light in her brown depths made Erica’s chest ache and her throat tighten. She swallowed as she put her stethoscope to her ears.

Standing outside by the nearby nurses station, Izzie huffed to Alex.

“I hate her. I mean, I think I actually hate her.”

“You’re being too sensitive…and you’re Izzie. You don‘t hate anyone.” Alex answered a little too honestly.

Izzie looked at him with disbelief.

“I can’t believe you’re taking her side.”

“I’m not taking her side.” his shoulders rose and fell. “I’m just saying.”

Izzie sized him up.

“Do you have some sort of weird crush on her or something?”

Alex screwed up his features.

“No.” He flipped his chart closed. “She’s just a good doctor. A great doctor. You could learn from her if you paid attention.”

“I’m a good person.” Izzie proclaimed adamantly.

“Yeah.” Alex shrugged. “But do you want to be a good person or a great Doctor?”

“Can’t I be both?”

“Not all the time.” Alex pinned her with his eyes and leaned against the counter on his elbow. Izzie crossed her arms.

“You know, if you do have a crush on her it’s too bad. She’s with Torres.”

Alex’s eyebrows raised as he contemplated the idea.

"That's hot."

Erica tried to concentrate on hearing the arrhythmia, but her focus got mixed in with flashes of the past. She didn’t know the woman, but her face was familiar. Her white hair and defined features took her back to another hospital room.

“Erica dear, don’t you have a study date with that nice boy in your class?”

Teenage Erica walked around to the other side of the bed, and adjusted the angle.

“I cancelled.”

“Erica.” her grandmother’s tone was one of frustration.

“What? I’d rather be with you….Besides, I study better alone and…I don’t like to date.”

Grandma Eileen reached up, wrapping thin and frail fingers around Erica’s wrist, stopping her from fluffing the pillows and getting her to meet her eyes.

“Erica…I don’t want you to be alone. Promise me you’ll let people in…Let someone in.”

Erica covered her hand with her own. She felt the loose skin, the fragile veins working so hard, the tiredness, even in her touch.

“I will…I promise.”

Erica stood up straight and looked down at Mrs. Werther.

“We’re going to take good care of you okay? You‘re going to be fine.”

***

“What’s the matter with you?”

Callie stabbed her fork at her last bite of salad and answered Mark with attitude.

“Nothing.”

He sat down across from her.

“Bull. You’ve been crabby and weird all day. What gives?”

“Uh- I’ve been here for eighteen hours for starters.”

“It’s more than that.”

Finally, she met his eyes, and then stood to drop her salad container in the trash, turning back to face him with her hands on her hips.

“Erica went to a lesbian bar last night.”

Mark perked up.

“That’s hot. So?”

“So,” Callie gestured in the air with one hand, “She also apparently got hit on by a woman who could be Addison’s freaking doppelganger.”

“Also hot.” Mark deadpanned, taking a bite from the apple he’d brought with him after shining it on his sleeve. “What’s the problem here?”

“That’s all I know.” Callie said in a panicky voice. “She didn’t tell me what happened after that…and I couldn’t ask. I freaked.”

“Maybe nothing happened after that.” Mark offered.

“Then why wouldn’t she be sure and tell me that?”

Mark shrugged.

“Maybe she didn’t think she needed to, because she assumed you‘d KNOW nothing happened after that.”

Callie moved back over to the table and fell back into the chair dramatically.

“I’m a jealous maniac.”

“You just really like her…and you‘re a jealous maniac.” Mark offered. “Which you’re going to have to get over. We’ve been over this. Erica Hahn is a cardio goddess and her hair makes you want to permanently wrap your hands in it, and if her hands do that much during surgery just imagine-”

“Mark!”

Callie tilted her head at him and fought the urge to kick him under the table.

“Callie,” Mark leaned forward, seriousness taking over his playful features. “She’s Erica…she’s going to get hit on…Nothing happened.”

“How do you know?”

“Because first of all, it’s painfully obvious that she’s crazy about you.”

“Really?” Callie scrunched her nose in a cute, questioning way.

“Really.” Mark sat back. “Plus Erica Hahn is not a liar or a cheater. She’s just not.”

“That’s what I thought about George.”

Mark tossed his apple into the trash as though it was a basketball.

“George was a fool….Another thing Erica isn’t.”

He stood to leave, but first leaned over the table, lowering his voice and making it more stern.

“Just talk to her.”

He made sure to wait until she looked him in the eye, then turned to go.

“I thought that’s what you chicks were suppose to be good at anyway…Talking…about “feelings.””

Callie cocked her head at him once more.

“We’re talking about me and Erica Hahn.” she dead panned.

He thought it over.

“True…Do it anyway.”

Callie let her face fall into her palms with a heavy exhale as he left.

When she heard the door swing open a minute later, she spoke to the person she assumed it was without lifting her head.

“Mark-”

“Not exactly.” Erica answered, a tinge of her own jealousy on the edges of her voice.

Callie looked up in surprise.

“Oh. I’m sorry. I thought you were-”

“Mark. Yeah. I got it.”

“Sorry.”

Erica smiled at her.

“How’s your day going?”

“Fine.” Callie blinked and moved over to the coffee pot, turning her back to her.

There was a push of silence until Erica broke it.

“Is something bothering you?”

Callie turned back to her a little too nonchalantly.

“No. I’m fine.”

Erica nodded and crossed her arms.

“Really? Because you ran away pretty fast this morning and I haven’t seen you since…….I could go find Sloan if you’d rather talk to him about it?”

Callie’s shoulders slumped.

“I’m fine. Really.”

Erica turned away with disappointment, and a bit of annoyance coloring her features. She made it back to the door before Callie stopped her.

“Erica wait.”

Erica turned back around and looked at her expectantly. Callie looked more than a little hesitant.

“I hate that that woman hit on you last night.”

Erica’s only response was to raise her eyebrows in surprise.

“And I guess I’m afraid…that maybe something else happened.”

Erica’s face changed from irritation, to surprise, to understanding, though Callie missed it because she’d chosen to look away.
“Wait a minute…have you been avoiding me all day because you’re…jealous?”

“Callie.” Erica said as she stepped back up to her after she got no response.

Callie’s eyes came back up, carrying swirls of worry.

“Nothing happened.”

Callie looked at her.

“Really?”

“Really.” Erica repeated gently.

“You didn’t want to double your pleasure, and double your fun with Addison’s stupid twin.”

“Of course not.” Erica shook her head, the beginnings of a smirk playing at the corners of her mouth. She stuck her hands into the pockets of her lab coat as she looked at Callie.

“Look, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t think I might be…discovering that I’m attracted to women….”

Callie looked at her uneasily. Erica reached out a hand in response and took one of Callie’s.

“But the only woman I want to explore that with…is you.”

The door opened right at that moment, causing Erica to drop Callie’s hand and take a step back. Miranda came through the door with a coffee mug in hand, but stopped short when she saw the two of them. She looked from one to the other, causing Erica to say,

“What?”

Miranda half shook her head.

“Nothin’. Jst…Nothin’ Just came for coffee.” she blinked and gestured at her cup, then turned and left without filling it.

After Callie recovered from the interruption she took a step toward Erica.

“So…you didn’t even think about…doing anything with her?”

Erica smiled and shook her head, then took a step forward, leaning in as she did so, adopting an even more sultry voice and serious expression.

“For the record, the only thing I thought about all night, was you…and what it felt like to have you on top of me touching yourself.”

They both felt the air leave Callie’s lungs.

Erica pulled back and looked into her eyes briefly before turning to go.

“I want this to just be us.” Callie blurted out as Erica had her hand on the door to push it open. Once again she stilled and turned around. Callie continued.

“I mean…whatever this is…I want it to be just us. I don’t want to share.” she was visibly flustered.

“I don’t know what that means, and I know we haven’t talked about it, but I want you to be my….my girlfriend.” She threw a hand into the air, giving in to the word.

“And I want to be yours….I want it to be…us.”

She shifted from one foot to the other, waiting for Erica’s response. The one she got a moment later wasn’t what she was expecting. Something had definitely shifted inside Erica in the past twenty-four hours.

“Does that mean I get to take your clothes off soon?”

Callie blinked and without much thought, answered almost immediately.

“Yes.”

Erica smirked cockily, just a tiny…tiny bit, then quietly agreed.

“Deal.”

They smiled at each other and then Erica’s pager blared into the room. She glanced down to see a 911 from Stevens, which meant Mrs. Werther was in trouble. She made eye contact with Callie once more before she pushed out the door.

Episode 7...A Slow Change Coming On

2009-01-15T19:59:00.010-06:00

A Slow Change Coming On...

“Another drink?”

“Absolutely.”

The bartender took the half gone bottle of Cab from behind the bar and tipped it over Erica’s nearly empty glass. Cranberry colored liquid splashed into the middle and against the sides as she filled it once more. Erica nodded her thanks and picked up the glass, feeling grateful for it’s calming heaviness in her hand and warm smoothness in her mouth.

Both sensations helped to still her insides.

She’d had a truly wicked, taxing day; complete with two scheduled surgeries, and one emergency, an extra eager Yang, an irritatingly uncomfortable Izzie Stevens, and a particularly cocky Mark Sloan. Add in the fact that she didn’t get to see Callie, yet couldn’t stop thinking about her every minute and a half, even with her arms elbow deep in a chest cavity, and it was one for the books.

The best part about it, was that it was over.

Well, almost.

She was choosing to wrap it up in a place she’d never been before, and while the Cabernet was something that felt familiar, that was about it.

On one hand, she couldn’t believe she was sitting here, in a place named, “The Julep”, instead of at Joe’s or even McGuire’s over on Seventh Ave. On the other, she couldn’t entirely believe she was in a bar full of women surrounded by other women.

A lesbian bar.

The most jarring thing about it…was just how NOT jarring it felt.

And that was scary; The fact that she was comfortable and realizing it, made her uncomfortable. The whole scene was a metaphor for the entire hailstorm she felt like she was spinning in since the ‘thing’ with Callie had begun. Her inner hesitancy held the distinct feeling of a puzzle piece sliding itself into the perfect notch after endless attempts to fit in all the wrong spaces.

This certain blend of fresh air made her chest relax and tighten at the same time. She sipped her wine as her eyes scanned the crowd, and reprimanded herself inside her own mind for being dramatic.

Women danced and laughed, and a singer-songwriter far too talented to be singing in a place with only a five-dollar cover, poured her soul over a microphone not quality enough to match the richness of her voice.

Erica’s eyes fell onto a couple near the tiny stage, and she found herself smiling to herself while watching the one on the right. She had dark hair, and a curvy build, and even the way she danced was familiar. The sway of her body was a little spicy, a little private, a little enigmatic, and it made you want to be in on the secret.

Erica took a long drink as Callie flooded into her brain for the millionth time during the twenty-four hours since she’d seen her last. She wished she was here, on the dance floor with her instead of pulling an on-call shift at the hospital. Erica stared into her glass for a minute, letting her mind revisit the night they’d gone to Joe’s with Addison months before. She almost had to laugh at remembering how jealous and down right pissed she’d been watching Callie dance with Sloan.

“Excuse me…”

She was snapped out of the movie in her head by a voice to her left, and as she turned to meet it with raised eyebrows, she coughed a little in surprise.

Speak of the devil…almost.

Funny enough, the words were coming from a tall woman with dark red hair and gleaming eyes, who could’ve passed for Addison’s sister. She had an air of confidence mixed with the slightest tinge of nerves and it made Erica think of Callie again. Erica swallowed, her expression one of questioning response. She leaned forward and in as the woman did the same so she could be heard more clearly.

“I’m sorry. I’m not usually ‘this girl,’ that is, I don’t normally do this, but I thought I’d come over and say hello.” She smiled a bit shyly and stuck her hand into the small space between them.

“I’m Kate.”

Erica nodded back in response with a small smile and shook her hand.

“Erica.”

“Erica…nice to meet you.” Kate leaned back a bit and let one hand rest on the edge of the bar while she nervously tucked an errant strand of red behind her ear.

Another gesture that flashed Callie through Erica’s mind.

“Are you here by your self?”

“I am.” Erica admitted, taking a sip of wine.

Kate nodded in response and smiled again, looking down and away before bringing her eyes back up.

“I have to confess I was standing over there,” she gestured over her shoulder. “And I thought you might be, so….I just had to come over and…take a chance...”

Erica nodded, but then looked confused as a slight pause filled the air between them.

“I’m sorry…take a chance on?...”

Kate’s face fell, but then she rolled her eyes at herself with a self-deprecating smile.

“Oh God…” she let out a breath. “I must be worse at this than I thought."

Erica looked back at her with a confused smile and shook her head, but then realization and understanding hit.

“Oh.” and her movements stilled.

“Ohhhh.” she laughed a little and felt socially inept for about the millionth time in her life.

Kate blushed a little and shrugged as she watched Erica get that she was trying to hit on her.

Erica put her glass down, but kept it in her grasp, and tried to gather words.

“I don’t uh-I didn’t realize.”

“That’s okay.” Kate jumped in reassuringly.

It was Erica’s turn to blush, which she cursed because she'd always hated women who blush.

“I’m sorry, I’m alone but…I’m not alone. I’m seeing someone.”

Kate’s face fell again, heavier this time, but she recovered quickly with a quirky and endearing,

“Of course you are.”

Erica smiled a bit uneasily, and took a drink as she watched Kate shake her head and lean over the bar with a motion toward the bar tender. Her emotions swirled with the knowing that what she’d said was true, and her pulse accelerated at the added knowledge that the ‘someone’ she was seeing was Callie.

In an appreciative manner, with a tone full of mocking of herself, Kate turned back to Erica with a Vodka Tonic and clinked their glasses together with a shrug.

“Can’t blame a girl for trying.”

Erica felt a bit surreal as she watched her take a drink, then lean in once more.

She felt Kate’s breath as she whispered,

“Nice to meet you Erica.” and then walked away.

She watched her go a bit numbly, then turned back to the bar and after a pause, took a sip with a smugness tilting her lips not unlike the kind she felt when she nailed a difficult surgery. The bartender caught the exchange and smiled slyly, catching her eye before looking away; Erica’s attention shifted back to the dance floor, the Callie look a like, and the music.

She took another sip to hide her own smile, and a deep breath to calm her self.

Breathing deep flooded her senses with Callie and flash backs to the night before, and all the breathing they’d done together on the couch. She could almost still feel Callie’s hot, moist breath against her neck while she was…

Another long, deep drink.

The bartender caught her expression, and filled her glass again immediately without the need to be asked. Her own smug, playful expression caught Erica’s again as she re-corked the bottle then disappeared once more.

This time Erica let the glass dangle with both hands, elbows balanced on the bar as she tried to refocus on the lyrics of the new song…It’s melody flowed out into the room, over swaying bodies, all the way to the bar.

“It’s a long way down from here.

It’s a long way up into the clear.

It’s a long way back to me.

It’s a long way out of who I used to be.

Who I used to think I was….just because.

All I used to know…is gonna have to turn and go.

Ready or not…I better run along.

This is more than just a passing song.

Can you please...

…Come along.”

The words resonated in her, vibrating inside along with the wine.

***

Callie lay on the mattress flipping through the Medical Journal she was basically ‘fake reading.’ When she’d read the same beginning sentence on page 39 three times, she gave up with a heavy sigh and tossed it onto the nightstand next to the bunk beds. She brought an arm up and bent it behind her head, staring at the wood slats above her for what felt like the fiftieth time of the night.

Slow on-call shifts sucked. There was nothing worse then being in a hospital in the middle of the night, without so much as a fractured wrist to occupy your mind.

Especially when it was trying to occupy itself with so many other things.

So many, lesbian, girly, Erica Hahn-shaped things.

Erica.

She couldn’t not think about her. The lingering beginnings of curiosity that had started months ago; the ones she’d tried to chase away with Mark, had given way to utter, ridiculous obsession, and it was starting to make her feel a bit insane, but she couldn’t help it.

She did this in relationships; deny, obsess, compulsively cling…and so on.

She sat up on the bed with a start.

“Am I in a RELATIONSHIP with Erica Hahn?” She briefly flashed to a vision of Izzie calling her her girlfriend...followed by the vision of Erica dressing her down.

She fell back onto the bed.

There was definitely no denying any more that whenever she caught a glimpse of Erica in the hallways it made her breath catch. She found herself looking for excuses to go in search of her in the middle of the day. And tonight, while she was on-call, she kept having to remind herself to snap out of fantasy land.

Last night had been amazing. AMAZING.

And yet, Callie almost laughed with the realization and admittance that they really hadn’t done anything…Except themselves.

It was hot. So…sooo hot.

Her eyes fluttered shut while memories of what Erica felt and sounded like rushed through her senses. They opened again and her hands gestured above her emphatically as her voice held a mix of awe and disbelief to it.

“I know,.. what she sounds like when she has an orgasm...”

Her eyes closed again. She took a deep breath, and tried to let silence sink in for a minute, unable to keep her mind from flashing vivid scenes.

“So hot.”

“Wanna share that thought?”

Erica’s voice startled her from the door, which she hadn’t heard open, and she snapped up off the bed with a jolt, smiling nervously as she used a scrunchy to pull her hair back from it’s tangled state.

“H-Hey- What are you- I didn’t know you were here.”

Erica shrugged one shoulder as she stepped the rest of the way into the room and shut the door behind her with a soft click.

“I was quiet. In case you were sleeping.”

Callie nodded in pleasant surprise, with confusion still laced in.

“What are you doing here? It’s – two a.m.”

Her eyes swept down to the time on her pager as Erica’s glanced at the clock on the side table and confirmed it.

“It is.” She agreed matter of factly, leaning back on the dresser behind her, hands gripping the cool edge as she regarded Callie…somewhat cockily.

Callie looked at her for a second and felt her chest respond. She looked flushed, and heavy lidded, and her already deep voice, was coming out extra rich and smokey sounding.

“Erica Hahn,” Callie crossed her arms and playfully narrowed her eyes. “Are you drunk?”

Erica crossed her own arms in response, and crossed one leg in front of the other, not missing how it grabbed Callie’s attention; how her eyes ran from the line of her bare knee where it came out from beneath her black skirt, and continued down her legs.

“I may,” she let out a breath, “have potentially taken a cab here from a place that serves adult beverages.” She answered aloofly, tilting her chin up a bit.

“Ahh.” A smile broke across Callie’s face. “Cabernet?”

“Maybe.” Erica conceded, voice dropping even lower.

“Hmmm. And…why are you here?”

“Why not?”

“Erica?” Callie pressed somewhat playfully, dropping her own voice in a challenging manner and taking a step closer.

Erica regarded her for a second, not shielding the fact that her own eyes were sweeping Callie’s frame. She pushed herself forward from the dresser, effectively invading Callie’s space, and matching her bravado move for move… But then her expression changed from one of flirtation to seriousness, as she brought a hand up to cup the side of Callie’s face. It made Callie’s breath hitch as Erica ran her thumb over her bottom lip and held her eyes with her own for what seemed like an impossibly long, and torturously smoldering moment.

“I guess…I just wanted to say good night...Especially after...last night.” Erica finally whispered, breath skittering over Callie’s parted lips.

“Oh.” was all Callie could muster in response.

Erica brought her other hand up and ran it into Callie’s hair, pulling her forward, and finally closing the shrinking gap between them by bringing their mouths together. She kissed Callie deeply, and more sensuously then she’d been kissed in…she couldn’t remember how long. It was heavy, warm, moist, and sweeping, and the heat of Erica’s tongue running firmly over her own, under it, around it, against it, made her knees ache to not have to function.

When Erica finally pulled back, Callie was breathless and speechless, and the hazy heaviness of her gaze matched Erica’s own. She had to focus her attention as Erica spoke; her blues eyes sweeping Callie’s lips before coming up to connect with her.

“If we weren’t in this hospital…I would do so much more than kiss you right now.”

Callie’s chest hammered, and all she could manage for a response was an almost whimper of sorts. She opened her mouth to form actual words, but was cut off by Erica leaning forward once more and pressing her warm, full lips against the rim of her ear.

“Good night Cal.” she whispered huskily.

Callie’s eyes fluttered shut, and she held onto Erica’s waist for a minute to steady her self, until she felt her start to pull back. Erica had a cocky, sexy, half smile on her lips as she reached for the door and stepped backwards to let her self out.

Callie breathed out, “Good night.” as she watched her go.

She stared at the door in almost absent-minded disbelief for a full minute, before she sprung to life again and moved to pull it open. When she saw that Erica was already gone, she swiftly shut it and locked it. As she turned back to the bed shaking her head, she fought with the knot at the waist of her scrub pants, trying swiftly to get them loosened. When it didn't cooperate she stomped her left foot with a whine and felt relief as it finally came loose.

She laid back on the bed, and let her breathing...and thoughts of Erica... propel her.

-------

author's note -

p.s. hot-4-hahn - this one's for you. Thanks for posting, but 'not rushing' :) and making me feel so great!

Episode 6...Explosive Hesitation

2009-01-08T21:36:00.007-06:00

Explosive Hesitation...

The water ran down Callie’s spine and splashed over her calves before circling the drain. She opened her eyes to the ceiling and let her black hair fall into the spray. With a deep breath she took in her surroundings.

Erica’s shower. She was standing in Erica’s shower, where Erica had just been, moments before her. When she stepped in she felt briefly like a perverted maniac for realizing that the water lingering on the floor of the shower had run down Erica’s body.

She had to remember to breath.

It wasn’t like she had never spent the night at Erica’s before. Once, after they’d gone out drinking and dancing, she’d come back home with her. Far too tipsy to drive, she’d used the same shower then, and they’d even fallen asleep in Erica’s bed.

Funny how she hadn’t thought anything of it just a few months ago…at least not consciously.

This was different. She felt astutely aware. Turning around slowly, she closed her eyes under the hot spray and reached out a hand to steady her self. The dark, stone tile her palm connected with felt hot and cold at the same time and it flashed her mind, and her pulse, back to the refrigerator….the kitchen…the touching that had just taken place.

She used her other hand to make the water just a bit cooler.

The loofah and lathered body wash felt like heaven. No wonder Erica’s skin was so soft to the touch. She recognized the scent of the shampoo, and felt surprised once again with the realization of just how much she’d apparently been paying attention without realizing it. Forcing herself to get a grip, and hurry, she was out a moment later, standing on the soft bath mat in front of the sink. She reached out a palm and rubbed the steam away from the center of the mirror. As she blinked at her self she had a thought about how no shower experience in a man’s apartment had ever been that nice.

It was vastly different in fact. And even though she prided herself on not being one of those squeamish and over reactive girls, it was something she always hated about the morning after with men…The morning after with a man’s bathroom.

Her brain snapped her back to attention. ‘This is not the morning after…or the night before…and this is definitely not with a man.’

She raised her eye brows at her own reflection, and came just shy of pointing a finger as she said aloud to her self,

“You’re here to be her friend tonight.”

She turned away from herself but then turned back.

“No more seducing.”

Slowly, she cracked the door, and peered into Erica’s bedroom, spotting the neatly folded clothes that sat on the end of the bed, waiting for her to put them on. She let the oversized towel that she’d wrapped her self in drop to her feet, and made a mental note to be sure and pick it up again, as she slid Erica’s grey t-shirt over her head. The letters spelling out Johns Hopkins were faded, but the worn cotton felt good on her skin. The short boxer shorts made her slightly self conscious but she shook it off.

Just as she was hanging the towel back in the bathroom, Erica knocked on the bedroom door, and came in when Callie prompted, juggling two mugs in her hands.

“I made some tea.” She explained as she extended one to Callie.

“Thanks.”

Their fingertips brushed as Callie took the mug, and she averted her eyes as she took a sip. Erica moved to the overstuffed chair in the corner of the room, and Callie moved to the bed, carefully settling against the headboard of the side she knew wasn’t Erica’s, bringing her knees up as she continued to hold the mug.

Her mind prompted again that she could do this. She could still her nerves, and put her hormones on hold, and just be a friend; like they’d done so many times before.

She just needed to not notice that the v of the neckline on Erica’s crimson, knee length robe was so low…or how long her bare legs looked even longer coming out from beneath it.

“Have enough hot water?” Erica asked, sipping from her own mug.

“Yeah. It was perfect. Your shower is great.” Callie answered back, feeling slightly unnerved and embarrassed inside about all the thoughts she’d had while in it.

Erica nodded and fingered the dangling tie on her robe.

A beat of silence passed, and then Callie put her mug on the side table and sat up a bit straighter.

“Listen, Erica…I’m sorry about the kitchen. I didn’t mean to jump you. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just…” she shrugged and looked away.

“I wasn’t exactly upset by it Cal.” Erica responded, getting up slowly and coming over to the other side of the bed. She put down her tea, and sat tentatively beside Callie, on top of the mid night blue duvet.

“No?” Callie brought her eyes up slightly sheepishly.

Erica grinned at her, and laughed a little. “No…You were there right?”

Callie laughed. “Oh yeah.”

They smiled at each other, and both took a deep breath.

Callie studied her.

“Do you want to talk about it? About your patient?”

Erica sighed and slid back to prop herself against the headboard.

“No…not really.”

Callie tilted her head and gave her a challenging look.

Erica quirked a brow.

“Don’t give me the Dr. Bailey look Torres. It doesn’t work on me.”

Callie looked playfully disappointed.

“It works on everybody else.”

A beat of silence drummed itself out before Erica spoke again.

“Sometimes I wish I was still in school…Just…learning…taking tests.”

“Why’s that?” Callie asked gently, turning to face her, as she slid down on the bed on her side and propped her head with her elbow bent and palm up.

Erica looked down at her.

“Because you have all the answers. If you just study, and memorize, and do things correctly, you can’t mess up.”

Callie blinked back at her. She took a breath before reaching out and gently laying a hand on Erica’s exposed knee. She spoke softly as she ran her thumb over it.

“You didn’t mess up today.”

“Tell that to Mrs. Metzer.” Erica answered back with half hearted sarcasm lacing her tone. She watched Callie’s thumb go back and forth over her knee cap. After a moment, Callie seemed to realize what she was doing, and she pulled it away.

Erica slid down to mimic Callie’s position and they faced each other, knees almost touching.

“I’m telling it to you.” Callie offered gently, but firmly, eyes full of warmth depth. She let her head fall to the pillow. Erica looked back at her, without saying anything.

“Do you want to get under the blankets?” Erica asked a moment later.

Callie swallowed, and couldn’t help her honesty from spilling out.

“I’m afraid that could be dangerous.”

Erica blinked at her; the edges of nervousness and something else, playing over her features.

“We’ve done this before.”

“But it feels different now.” Callie admitted.

Erica seemed to think it over for a second. She got up and moved to the chair in the corner, feeling Callie’s eyes on her, and grabbed the two blankets folded over the back, bringing them back to the bed.

“Different blankets might be safer?” She said with a quirked brow, as a suggested solution. She climbed back on the bed and extended one to Callie.

When they were settled down and facing each other once more, Callie looked more at ease and thoughtful;

“You know what’s funny?” She asked.

“What?”

“I was watching this show the other day, and these two women kissed...”

“What show are you watching where there are women kissing?” Erica asked back, voice dropping lower than usual.

It made Callie’s stomach flip, but she tried to quell it as she smiled.

“I told you…research...”

Erica looked back at her with a grin and heavy eyes.

“Anyway,” Callie continued, more serious than before. “I was watching, and these two women kissed, and I felt…” she struggled to find her words. “Surprised….Like I had this reaction of, ‘Wow that’s…’ Well. Not wrong, but…”

“Weird?” Erica filled in for her.

“I guess. Kind of.” Callie nodded. “And then I felt like such an ass, because I thought, “How can I be having that kind of reaction and at the same time be feeling…how I feel about you?" I mean it’s not like it feels ‘weird’ or something when we…when we kiss….But actually seeing it, and having a part of myself react that way…It just really threw me. I mean how can that be?”

“Maybe…” Erica took a breath. “It’s because you grew up believing a certain thing about your self, not really having any examples to the contrary or anyone saying that this other thing could happen too…So when it does…You can’t help but have this part of you saying...Wait a minute. That’s not right.”

Callie looked confused but contemplative.

“It definitely feels right.”

“Does it?” Erica asked back, voice low, and serious.

Callie brought her eyes up to hers, and almost lost her breath at the intensity she saw there, and felt rising in her own chest,

“…Yes.”

They each made a conscious, more than considerable effort, not to move…not to give in to impulse, even though they could each feel it drumming through their pulse points.

It would be so easy just to kiss…

Instead Callie reached up and slid her hand into Erica’s open palm where it lay between them. She threaded her fingers through Erica’s and willed herself to close her eyes.

***

Erica hit the backspace button on the keyboard a little to harshly, and shook herself, as she tried retyping the correct note into the patient’s record. She felt sluggish, which she hated, and she kept having to shake away the vision of Callie sleeping in her bed, that she’d left behind when she walked out of her apartment this morning.

A full debate had raged in her head, the second she awoke and found Callie still sleeping next to her. She wanted to wake her, but felt unsure of what to say or how to behave, which she chastised herself for extra since they hadn’t done anything but sleep.
When she got out of the shower she settled on taking advantage of what a heavy sleeper Callie was, and opted to reset the alarm on her side of the bed. She’d left for work having put a fresh towel in the bathroom and a steaming to go cup of coffee for her in the kitchen with a note that simply said,

‘Callie –

…Thank you.’

Erica blinked in time with the flashing cursor on the screen, momentarily lost in thought. Just as her vision started to blur she was brought back to reality.

“Dr. Hahn.”

She bit the inside of her cheek in response and brought her eyes up to meet Mark’s.

“Dr. Sloan.”

He nodded at her as he rested his elbows on the counter top in front of her computer.

“Beautiful morning isn’t it?”

She blinked at him blankly and then adopted an irritated expression.

“What do you want?”

He shrugged in mock innocence.

“Nothing. Just saying good morning.”

“What a pleasure.” Erica drawled out, standing and clicking out of the program she was in on the screen.

Mark lowered his voice.

“You seem a little distracted, yet unusually…stress free, this morning.” He leaned in. “Hot night with Torres?”

Just as Erica was about to respond, Dr. Bailey came up and dropped a patient file in the discharged basket and began writing in a chart.

Sloan turned to her mischievously. “Dr. Bailey, doesn’t Dr. Hahn look extra lovely today?”

Bailey brought her eyes up from her task with attitude and looked from Sloan to Hahn to Sloan again without moving her head.
“She looks like she doesn’t want to talk to you.”

Mark adopted a fake hurt expression as Bailey’s pager went off, and then was echoed by his own and Erica’s.

***

“What have we got?”

Callie asked as she pushed her way into the room where Erica, Yang and Stevens, were bent over a young patient.

“The cause of the multiple vehicle pile up on Division Street.” Yang answered quickly, earning a glare from Izzie.

“He ran out in front of car after his dog, and was struck by a car.” Izzie filled Callie in.

“The cars behind that car smashed into each other causing him to be pinned and dragged under the car that struck him.”

“Okay, well, I can tell his legs are dangerously swollen just by looking at them.” Callie stepped up beside Erica and waited as she bent over the boy and listened to his chest. Cristina finished intibating him, and let Izzie take over the bag.

“He’s got severe Pericardial Effusion.” Erica confirmed as she rose back up and flipped her stethoscope back around her neck.

Callie nodded, “We need to get the blood flowing back to the muscles in his legs or he could lose them.”

“Which won’t matter if his heart is squeezed any further.” Erica nodded to Yang who practically jumped.

“I’ll get the needle.”

“Oh my god.” Izzie gasped and tilted her head from above the boy’s bruised and swollen face.

“What?” Callie asked, eyebrows raised.

Izzie blinked, and didn’t respond. Three sets of eyes waited for her to answer.

“Stevens do you want to share or should we all stand around looking like idiots while this boy’s dies?” Erica snapped and got Izzie’s attention.

Izzie looked up and back down, still shaken.

“His name’s Joey.” She asserted, her voice hardening as she looked up to Dr. Hahn and then Callie. “I know him. He…he comes into the clinic with his grandfather on the fifteenth of every month when his grandfather gets his insulin levels checked. He sits at the nurse’s station and talks to all the nurses. He’s eight.”

“Good.” Erica responded without batting an eye. “That’s very heartwarming, all the more reason for you to quickly and accurately drain the fluid from around his heart.” She glanced up at the levels on the monitors and looked at Yang.

“Yang, take the bag and give Steven’s the needle.”

Cristina wavered for a split second.

“Dr. Hahn I-”

“Just do it!” Callie snapped at Cristina from her position over the boy’s legs.

Cristina handed the needle to Izzie and traded places with her, grudgingly.

Izzie hesitated over the boy’s chest.

“I’m sorry,” Erica snapped. “did you want to take a break first? Maybe get a manicure?”

Izzie looked up shaking her head. “I’m sorry, it’s just-”

Erica leaned forward and dropped her voice, eyes throwing daggers into Izzie’s personal space. “Dr. Steven’s, take that needle and put in this boys chest before I take it and put it in yours.”

Izzie’s expression hardened and she seemed to snap out of it, doing what she was told.
Once the needle was in, she looked up at Hahn with ice in her eyes.

“His pressure’s dropping.” Callie jumped in while measuring his left calf muscle.

“Pulse rate dropped.” Cristina added, checking the monitor to her right.

Erica nodded to the nurse to push his meds faster.

“Someone should tell him what’s going on.”

“Who?” Callie asked abruptly.

Izzie glanced quickly toward the interior window. “His grandfather. That’s him watching. He just came up to the window. He’s probably terrified.”

“Just hold the needle Dr. Steven’s.” Erica ordered.

Once the fluid seemed to be mostly drained, Izzie pulled the needle out and Erica took over, assessing and listening once more.

“Okay, I think we bought some time, but I still hear friction, which means-”

“He needs surgery to repair whatever trauma there is to his aorta or the fluid will most likely just build up again, plus he could throw a clot…among other things.” Cristina spat out her answer like a child trying to spell a word quickly in a timed spelling bee.

“Gold Star for Yang.” Erica said looking to Callie.

“Pressures holding steady in his legs, but it’s got to release fast.” Callie’s eyes snapped from the boys legs to Erica’s eyes. “I’ve got to get in there.”

“Okay.” Erica stepped back from the gurney and motioned to the nurses. “Let’s get him into the O.R. with prep on both his chest and legs. – GO!”

She pulled off her latex gloves with a snap. Cristina looked as though she was barely containing the urge to raise her hand and jump up and down.

“Yes Yang, you can assist.”

As Cristina fought to untie her paper gown as quickly as possible, Izzie spoke up.

“Why do you have to be so mean?”

She was talking to Dr. Hahn in a voice usually reserved for Alex’s b.s.

Callie’s eyes snapped up to Izzie and flashed to Erica.

Cristina’s mouth opened and a little sound of shock accidentally came out as she froze momentarily, but she quickly averted her gaze back to the knot behind her back, which she yanked around to her front once her arms were free.

“Excuse me?” Erica turned around and met Izzie’s accusatory stare.

“You’re mean.” Izzie stood her ground, but let her voice even out. “And cold. You’re harsh and belittling..and you don’t need to be such a bitch to teach people.”

“No she didn’t.” Cristina whispered aloud without meaning to.

“Hey-” Callie found herself taking a step in Erica’s defense before she could stop herself, but Cristina reached out and stopped her with one hand mumbling a convincing,

“Nuh huh.” With a small shake of her head.

Erica crossed her arms and regarded Izzie.

“I’m impressed Dr. Steven’s. If you were this ballsy when it really counts you might do a better job.” She took a step closer. “I might be a bitch, but I’m a world class surgeon, and if you so much as dream in that pretty blonde head of yours of getting anywhere close to where I am, you’ll teach your brain to react as fast as your emotions.”

Erica’s gloves landed in the middle of the waist bin a few feet away.

“If you wanted to hold hands and do social work you should’ve chosen a different career.”

She stepped around Izzie solidly and pushed through the swinging door, leaving the swoosh it made cutting through the air to be the only sound in the room.

Cristina finished degowning and followed after Hahn with a mumbled,

“Nice working with you.” as she passed by Izzie with a nudge.

Izzie shook it off and brought her hands to her hips looking up into Callie’s face, which was full of disbelief and its own blend of attitude.

“What?”

“You know she’s an Attending, and that was incredibly out of line right?” Callie answered back with eyebrows raised.

Izzie dropped her arms and rolled her eyes at Callie as she backed out of the room, throwing her own gown down with a snap.

“Yeah, and I know she’s your girlfriend, so spare me.”

Callie blinked at Izzie and stood in the room alone, still and quiet as she watched the doors swing.

***

Callie backed out of the O.R. with a deep breath and stuck her hands under the water, reaching up to pull her scrub cap off when they were clean. She stood starring at the stainless steel drain for a long moment, cap dangling from her right hand. Through the window when she looked up she could see the scrub nurses tending to Joey before beginning to wheel him into recovery and intensive care.

She’d been on her feet for fourteen hours, with a good end result. She knew Erica was already changing clothes, Yang was probably in the locker room relaying their victory to Meredith, and…Stevens well….Stevens had called out her sort of secret.

She needed out of the hospital. She needed a private moment after being surrounded by people and blood, and beeping machines all day.

When she made it to what she thought was another secret of hers, the privacy of the loading dock area with its one, loan, black iron bench, she hesitated a second at the sight of Miranda, but then gave in and sat beside her.

“Dr. Torres.” Bailey greeted her without excitement in her voice as she sat.

“Bailey.” Callie offered back in lieu of a “Hey.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, until Miranda spoke again without moving her gaze from looking straight ahead.

“What’s the problem Torres?”

Callie blinked, but didn’t have the energy left to panic or fully freak out to her usual degree. Instead she simply answered, honestly, with almost a nonchalant tone coloring her voice.

“Well, I helped save a boy’s legs today, and also his life…And Izzie Steven’s,” she exhaled, “called Erica Hahn my girlfriend, which I couldn’t really say anything about…because it’s kind of true.”

Miranda looked at her with her chin tipped down into her neck.

“Kinda true?”

“I think so.” Callie affirmed quietly.

Miranda turned to face her more directly.

“Things are not ‘kind of’ true Dr. Torres. They are just true or not.”

Callie looked back at her.

“For instance,” Miranda waved a hand up in the air and brought it back down.

“It is true that you saved that boy’s life today, and it is true that I did not save his mother’s.”

“I’m sorry.” Callie offered with sympathy.
Miranda brought her hand up to stop her.

“It’s also true that he still has his grandfather, waiting anxiously outside his room, for him to wake up.”

She took a deep breath, and stood.

“Be glad you have who you have Torres. Whoever it is. Embrace that truth.”

She walked away with a tiredness to her Bailey saunter.

Callie sat alone for a minute, breathing the cool air, and then stood.

***

Erica threw the dart harder than necessary at the board, and it stuck in the bulls’ eye with a vibration moving the tail end of the dark back and forth. She watched it as she pulled her beer off the neighboring table and took a long drink. She’d just swallowed when Callie came up and stopped beside her, brushing her arm lightly with her own.

“Nice shot.”

“I’m having a banner day.” Erica dead panned, polishing off her drink.

Callie studied the board for a moment longer and then turned to face Erica, who looked back at her silently.

"…You’re not a bitch.”

Erica breathed in deeply and moved to pull the darts off the board without answering.
Callie followed her with her eyes and waited for her to come back, which she did a moment later, darts in hand as she spoke.

“Maybe I am.” Erica shrugged in acceptance. “I know I am.” She shook her head. “But that’s because I have to be.”

Callie tried to interject but Erica cut her off.

“If I let myself feel everything the way Izzie Stevens does, I’d crumble.” She turned and threw a dart. “And I do NOT crumble.”

It hit the bull’s-eye…And so did the next one.

“The only thing a bleeding heart gets you in the hospital” she turned back to Callie, “Is a lot of blood.”

Callie cocked her head and regarded her for a moment, before reaching out and removing the last dart from her hand, and leaning into her to whisper in her ear.

“Come back to my apartment with me.”

Erica blinked at her almost disbelievingly for a moment…then followed her out.

***

Callie unbuckled the seat belt, and reached for the door handle when Erica reached out and put a hand on her wrist.

“Callie wait.”

She searched Callie’s eyes and then continued.

“I wanted more of you last night.”

It made Callie’s heart speed up and her blood rush.

Callie let her eyes flash back and forth over Erica’s.

She pushed the door open.

***

Erica followed her in with only a trace of hesitancy in her step. She watched Callie put her purse and jacket down on the coffee table as she stood behind her. When Callie turned to face her again with that look in her eye, it made her swallow the lump in her throat.

“You know…” Callie said as she reached out and ran a thumb over one of the front belt loops on Erica’s jeans. “There’s a lot more we can do without doing everything.”

Her tongue came out and moistened her bottom lip.

Erica took a half step forward.

And then they were kissing. Kissing and touch, grabbing and smoldering, and letting hands slide, grip, and rub wherever they wished.

Their tongues swept together deep and languid, and when Callie moved her lips to Erica’s collar bone and wrapped a hand in her hair, pulling lightly, it made Erica take a deep, shaky breath. Callie moved back to her lips and kissed her again, and when Erica moved to her neck in return, running her tongue and teeth over her pulse point and across the clavicle, Callie pulled and pushed until they tumbled back onto the couch.

Erica started out on top, grinding down and up until Callie flipped them over and straddled her waist, panting with effort and struggle. She reached down and slowly unbuttoned Erica’s shirt, pulling the material to the sides, letting her fingertips trail over flushed skin. The bra that became visible this time was emerald instead of purple, and sheer. Erica’s nipples were partially visible beneath the lace and it made Callie’s insides burn. She lowered her mouth and pressed it, open and hot, lips full and gripping, over Erica's left nipple, and sucked, bathing over lace with her tongue. Erica's long fingers tangled in her hair and she sucked in a heavy breath, breathing out Callie's name, feeling as though she might ignite from the inside out.

With effort Callie rose away and pulled her own shirt over her head as Erica watched, revealing her own full breasts cupped in a fuchsia bra that pushed them up and out. Erica skimmed her hands up Callie’s sides in response and caught her breath as Callie lowered her own chest down atop Erica’s. They kissed again with bodies flooded by the sensation of more skin on skin contact, breasts rubbing against breasts as their mouths fused and melted. When Callie pulled back again she felt and saw how warm and crimson Erica’s chest had become. Erica rapped a hand in her hair and pulled her back down for a bruising kiss, breaking it only as she felt Callie’s hand moving lower down her body between them.

Callie pulled slightly up and met Erica’s eyes as she slid her own hand into her own pants.

“Callie,”

“Feel it.” Callie panted, pleading in her tone.

Without hesitation Erica reached down and covered Callie’s hand with her own over the barrier of the jeans; felt the movement Callie’s hand made under the fabric as she touched herself blatantly in front of her. It made her moan and stretch back, exposing the line of her throat, which Callie ran her tongue over before propping herself further up on her other hand, bringing her breasts to hover and sway above Erica’s as she touched herself more heavily, more deeply.

“Feel it Erica…please.”

Erica ran her hand over Callie’s again, cupping the movement, riding it. Her eyes darkened and her breath shortened as she felt Callie’s hand move faster and harder. Without the ability to stop her self she trailed her free hand down her own stomach and into her own pants, mimicking Callie’s actions and bringing a moan from deep within her center. Callie brought her chest back to Erica’s and they rocked, breathing against necks and mouths as they moved inside themselves and against each other’s bodies.

The erotic heat of being so intimate in front of each other, and yet still separate made the room feel hot and muggy, and the tension thicken with each press of friction. Erica pressed her mouth against Callie’s ear as she felt her body tense against her own.

“Don’t stop.”

Erica’s voice sounded like lava rushing over stone, and it pushed Callie over the edge.

“Erica.”

Their bodies ground together, flowing and flooding, sparking and igniting with slickness, and Erica muffled her own sounds against Callie’s neck.

They shuttered and quivered, and finally stilled… breathing in the wet heat.

Episode 5...Ice and Fire

2009-01-01T23:14:00.005-06:00

Ice and Fire...

The heart lay there, unresponsive, unmoving; even as it was pushed and prodded. It wasn’t quite the color it should be. Erica had had a tremor of unease when she’d seen it; a bad feeling. But she’d stamped it down and willed it away, and told herself it would work. She had met with Bryan Metzer and his heart several times over the last few years; never under good circumstances. He’d hovered on the transplant list, deemed not quite serious enough to jump ahead, and always unlucky enough for something to push him a step back when his turn did come up. His condition had taken a turn for the worse the night before.

He needed THIS heart. To work. Right now.

Erica stood over the open chest cavity, with a hand partially raised to halt anyone’s further movement. The blue of her eyes pierced the pink flesh and willed it to respond to her skill. She’d never been the type of person to pray. She didn’t know what to make of the concept of miracles, but she believed in science, and she believed in something she’d learned long ago in life to be the only thing she could truly count on…her self. She knew she’d done everything right, and then some. It was that knowledge that made her stand there while the scrub nurse glanced at the clock and the other Doctor’s glanced at each other, waiting for her to call his death. She stood there, repeating, “You will beat. You will beat. You will beat.” Over and over in her mind.

After seven and a half minutes the heart didn’t swell. It didn’t pulse or grow pinker in shade. She left the OR to the sound of deafening silence.

***

Callie tapped on the door to the fourth floor on call room before opening it and closing it behind her. Erica was there, as she thought she might be, sitting on the bottom bunk staring at her own hands in her lap.

“Hey.” Callie said gently as she walked up to the bed and crawled onto it, propping herself against the wall next to Erica.

“Hey.” Erica said back, not making eye contact.

Callie took a breath and thought about how best to tackle the situation.

“I heard about what happened with your patient.”

She watched Erica nod, and then shake her head once.

“It happens right?” she asked Callie in cold response, trying and failing to sound indifferent.

“Yeah….it does.” Callie took a breath. “Erica, you know you couldn’t have done anything else.”

“No” Erica began shaking her head. “I don’t know that. I don’t KNOW that.” When her eyes finally met Callie’s Callie could see they were shining with unshed tears. “That’s the thing that really bites about this God forsaken job. We don’t EVER really KNOW that. I mean, I’ve seen this guy a dozen times over the past half of a decade. Had I done something differently any one of those times his heart might still be beating in his living, breathing, chest!”

Callie reached out and grabbed Erica’s hand, squeezing it firmly into her own.

“Stop. You have to stop.”

Erica blinked at her and looked away, but Callie didn’t let go of her hand.

“God. I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Erica sighed out, breaking the lull after a few minutes of silence.

“What?” Callie asked gently.

“This.” Erica raised their joined hands briefly. “Sitting in an on call room with you, getting all emotional, letting you hold my hand while I go all…soft.”

Callie couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah, it is pretty horrible of you.”

Erica looked at her with attitude, which only made Callie nudge her with her shoulder.

“You’re not going soft.”

“No?”

“No…You ARE soft…on the inside. It’s your secret. But I know it.”

Erica let her head fall back against the wall, and she focused on the frame of the bunk bed above them.

“Well, it really sucks letting you know it…It’s really messing up my image.”

Callie mimicked her position, and followed her gaze.

“I know.”

“I should get out of here and go home.” Erica sighed.
“You should.” Callie agreed.

Again, silence reigned until Callie finally broke it.

“Erica?”

“Yeah?” Erica responded, finally bringing her eyes to Callie’s again.

“Let me go home with you.”

Erica blinked. Her eyes skimmed down to Callie’s mouth and then came up again.

“Okay.”

***

When they walked through the door to Erica’s apartment, Callie got a flashback of the last time she’d been over, a few days before. The heavy make out session flooded her senses and she shoved it down, almost wincing at the difference between that and this situation.

Erica took her coat off silently and hung it in the closet. She walked into the kitchen and filled a glass with cold water, then instead of drinking it, poured it down the drain and stood staring at the sink. Callie came into the door way, and leaned against it for a minute before moving behind Erica.

Something she couldn’t explained compelled her, and so she reached out tentatively to Erica, placing a hand on each hip, and then sliding them up, grabbing the fabric of her shirt in her hands, and pulling it free of her pants. It made Erica turn around.

“What are you doing?”

Callie looked into her eyes, and down to her mouth as her hands held loose fabric briefly, then came up to slide into Erica’s hair.

“I don’t know.” She all but whispered as their mouths came together, in a deep and searing kiss. Callie slid a hand down as she felt herself being pushed, and it connected with the soft skin of Erica’s lower back under her shirt as her own back was pushed up against a wall. Erica pulled and pushed her more firmly against the wall, allowing the fire in her eyes to connect with Callie’s for the briefest of glances before they began kissing again.

Erica slid her palms up under Callie’s shirt and skimmed them up her bare sides as Callie ran her hands up Erica’s back and sucked her tongue into her mouth as her fingers trailed over the clasp of her bra, thrilling at the realization that she could undo it if she chose to. Erica let go of Callie’s mouth and brought one hand out to tangle into her hair as she moved her mouth to her neck and kissed and sucked, feeling Callie’s chest swell in response against her own. A moan broke free from the throat she was kissing. She felt Callie’s hands come out and back to the front of shirt, felt them run over fabric, over, for the first time, the swell of her breasts. It made her moan in return, and ache for the fabric not to be there, and Callie took the chance to explore the line of her ear with her tongue.
Callie sucked Erica’s ear lobe between her full lips and bit down as she felt Erica’s palms again under her shirt, this time running up over her stomach. She lost the ability to think or breathe when she felt Erica’s palms slide up and cup her breasts, with only the sheer lace of her black bra separating them from full contact.

Callie ran her own hands back up into Erica’s hair and pulled, feeling desperately like she needed to make eye contact. Her back suddenly burned hot, but cold at the same time as it registered in the back of her mind that she wasn’t pressed against a wall, but the coolness of the stainless steel refrigerator.

Their gazes locked and Callie fought the urge to let her eyes flutter shut as Erica palmed her breasts more firmly and squeezed, feeling the full heft of them for the first time.

They’d never been this far before. Never gone beneath clothing. It felt exquisite and electric and the heat in Erica’s eyes darkened. She used her thumbs to apply pressure as she ran them across Callie’s nipples. Callie couldn’t stop her eyes from closing or head and neck from twisting, and Erica’s lips found her again, dominating and pulling. Callie finally found some semblance of balance and reached back, pulling at the buttons on the front of Erica’s shirt and returning her caress once they were loose. She slid her hands inside on automatic overdrive and felt relief as the weight filled her palms and burst through her senses. The dark purple bra she touched and saw was thin and satin, and did little to mask the hardening of nipples beneath her hands.

Erica pushed into her in response and her thigh came up between Callie’s legs firmly. Callie ground down onto it with sheer primal response. It was only the sliding of her zipper that she felt against her lower abdomen a moment later that made her foggy brain take note of all that was happening and what it meant. It took more effort than she ever could’ve imagined to place her hands over Erica’s and pull her mouth away so she could speak.

“We can’t.”

Erica tried to kiss her again, and Callie let her briefly, but then repeated what she’d said.

“We can’t. Not like this. It’s not the right time.”

Erica leaned her forehead against the fridge, mouth resting next to Callie’s ear. She took a half step back a moment later, and they looked at each other, breathing heavily, clothes haphazard, fully taking in the sight of what they’d done before looking down and away and tending to their clothes.

When Erica turned back to Callie a moment later and Callie saw that one of her buttons was actually torn off and missing, she reached out and apologized.

“Sorry.” She said somewhat sheepishly, motioning toward the missing button.

“Don’t be.” Erica shook her head.

They blinked at each other’s flushed faces; Erica’s more so because of her pale skin.

“Glass of water?” Callie asked, hooking her thumb over her shoulder at the cabinet behind her, taking charge as though it was her apartment they were in.

Erica nodded.

They stood across from each other, and drank in silence, Erica looking slightly uneasy.

“I think…maybe I need a shower.”

“Okay.” Callie agreed a little too quickly. “Sure.”

Erica took a step away but then turned back.

“I’d like you to stay…if you still want to.”

Callie smiled.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Episode 4...Stepping into Steam

2008-12-18T22:17:00.013-06:00

Stepping into Steam...

Erica opened the door to two large brown bags hovering evenly at eye level, until Callie shifted and her face became visible between them. The wide grin she displayed instantly made the stress of Erica’s day begin to mellow into the past.

“Hi.” Callie took a step forward, not waiting for a formal invitation to walk through the door. “Could you grab that one?” She motioned with her right foot and a tilt of her head to a third bag sitting on the stoop beside her.

Erica bent down to pick it up, and hesitated for a second when she realized how heavy it was, crinkling her brow as she hefted it. She brought it into the kitchen as Callie sat the other two on the countertop and turned to face her. Their hands brushed as she handed over the bag and Callie took it from her like it was only a few ounces in weight.

“Did you buy all of Whole Foods or what?” Erica said teasingly, tilting her head towards the bags, and surveying.

“Just about.” Callie admitted, turning around once more, finally fully visible, dusting her hands off as though she’d just accomplished a messy task. “But trust me, when you taste it, you’re going to be glad.” She leaned back against the counter and smiled cockily.

It had taken her all week to decide on the sonoran mole’ sauce with its mix of spice and sweetness.

Erica tried her best version of her own self assured grin in return.

“I’ve been looking forward to it all week.”

They looked at each other with completely open appreciation for the first time, both fighting the urge to try and conceal it; something that they’d grown accustom to doing without even realizing it. Erica felt warmth akin to hot water rushing through her at the sight of how stunning Callie looked. She was dressed simply in all black; a form fitting, long sleeved v-neck shirt, and jeans that were clearly measured to fit her exactly. Her earrings were medium sized silver hoops that looked stunning against her hair and skin, and a matching necklace drew attention to the v line of her shirt across her chest.

She was breathtaking to say the least.

Callie didn’t miss how the cut of Erica’s own jeans made her already long legs look even longer, or how her white peasant shirt was just sheer enough to show the white camisole beneath it. The strings of the open neck dangled down over her breasts and the light brown pendant necklace she wore rested on her chest just below her collar bone. It looked almost as smooth to the touch as Erica’s skin, and it made Callie want to reach out and touch both.

They both smiled nervously at each other. Erica wanted to say how great Callie looked, but the words stuck in her throat.

Callie had a thought about getting into a pool by running and jumping, and it was that vision that propelled her.

After the briefest of hesitations she took half a step forward and grabbed Erica’s right hand, pulling her forward and holding it in her own as she rose up onto her tiptoes to scan the bags for the wine she’d bought. She reached inside one and brought out the bottle, handing it to Erica by placing it in the hand she held.

A quiet, shy moment passed between them as they stood looking into each others eyes, Callie’s hand covering Erica’s over the bottle. Somewhere in that moment a shift happened and a first real date officially began.

***

Erica stood across from Callie, stilled in her task of chopping an onion, by watching her drop ingredients into the skillet on the island stove top. Her sleeves were pushed up and she was clearly concentrating, though it didn’t make her miss a beat in conversation. She looked at ease, and totally in her element. Maddenly sexy.

Callie looked up just in time to see Erica quickly shift her eyes back to chopping and she couldn’t help but smile.

“You uh…almost done with that onion?” Her eyebrow rose quirkily, matching her teasing voice.

Erica confessed self deprecatingly. “Okay, so…I may not be as good with a knife in the kitchen as I am in the O.R.”

“Hmmm.” Callie nodded with mock surprise, holding out her hand for the remainder of the onion, making a show of it as she finished it off.

“See the trick is…you don’t raise your knife so high, and you don’t….go slowly.” She lifted the cutting board and scooped the pieces into the pan, satisfied by the sizzle they made.

Erica settled onto a bar stool and took a sip of her wine while shaking her head.

“You’re very cocky in the kitchen Torres.” In her mind she wondered what Callie’s other personalities might be in other areas of the house, but the thought was overwhelming so she tried to shut it down, or at least put it on hold.

“Well,” Callie came to her own defense as she stirred, “When you’re born in Mazatlan, and your father is a large, tomato shaped man who believes that carbs and calories are special ingredients, you learn a thing or two about the kitchen…and how to be cocky in it.”

Callie dipped a spoon into the sauce simmering on the stove and blew on it as Erica watched her, before carrying it slowly around to the other side of the island with one hand underneath. Once she reached Erica she extended it toward her.
Erica looked from the spoon to Callie, as though she wasn’t sure what to do.

“Go on,” Callie urged. “Taste it.”

Erica cleared her throat.

“You know…I’ve never let a man do this…Feed me I mean.”

Callie quirked a brow.

“Erica…” her voice came out low. “Just open your mouth.”

She did…but not without taking Callie’s wrist and helping to guide the spoon.

Callie’s chest swelled as she watched her lick her lips. Erica felt the flavor swirl in her mouth and the different nuances of seasoning played over her tongue. She was surprised that the spicy zest and the denseness of chocolate could go so well together.

She closed her eyes briefly.

“What do you think?”

“Okay.” Her eyes opened again, a darker shade of blue. “I think I don’t have words for that experience.”

“Pretty good huh?” Callie grinned. “Just wait.”

Erica swallowed

***

“Callie that was amazing! I mean amazing…” Erica complimented the food as she finished packing the leftovers, and brought another glass of wine over to Callie, who was waiting on the sofa. During a moment of nervousness when Erica wasn’t looking she’d consciously chosen to sit in the middle instead of a corner, and she let out a small sigh of relief as Erica sat next to her.

“Thank you. I like cooking, but I don’t do it very often.”

“You should. Maybe you missed your true calling.”

“Um…no.” Callie laughed. If I cooked all the time I’d probably be three hundred pounds. I already eat my feelings as it is. Believe me,” she took a sip as she rolled her eyes at herself. “I’ve gained at least ten pounds over this.” She gestured between them in explanation.

Erica nodded with her understanding. “Whenever I’m upset about something, I inhale dark chocolate, can’t sleep, and have to log endless therapy hours about my increased abrasiveness.”

Callie pulled a teasing expression.

“Wait, you? Abrasive? No. Never”

Erica looked at her with mock attitude. “Very funny.” She watched Callie get off the sofa and move to study her collection of music. “At least I’m working on it. I’ve been exceedingly pleasant with Yang lately….well, exceedingly pleasant for me anyway.”

Callie smiled as she scanned the cd’s. “I know that’s true because it’s really freaking Cristina out. She and Meredith are analyzing it to death.”

“That’s great.” Erica deadpanned. “I’ll remember that.”

Callie pulled two cd’s off the shelf in front of her and turned around with a questioning grin. Erica saw Melissa Etheridge and the Indigo Girls and shook her head, her mouth forming a straight line.

“Don’t say it.”

Callie sauntered over and pretended to read the backs. It was clear that her wine was kicking in. She kneeled in front of Erica, displaying the cases once more while whispering,

“Kind of gay, Dr. Hahn. Don’tcha think?” She ran one hand over Erica’s knee.

Her smile made Erica smile, and both of their pulses picked up.

“I know plenty of people who are not gay who enjoy Melissa Etheridge.”

“Name five.” Callie challenged, moving back to the bookcase. After a minute she pulled out another album and opened it, popping it into the stereo.

“This one’s at least bi-curious.” She affirmed as she came to sit back down.

“Since when are you an expert?” Erica asked, turning to face her.

Callie shrugged. “I’ve been doing some research…of the non medical kind.”

“Really?” Erica replied in a low voice, her mind consciously taking note of three things it hadn’t ever before…alcohol made Callie’s chest redden….she liked it…a lot…and they were officially flirting with each other.

“Really.” Callie continued. “I’m learning a lot.”

“For example?” Erica drawled out, propping her elbow on the back of the couch and tilting her head into her hand.

“For example,” Callie swirled the wine in her glass, averting her eyes from the line of Erica’s neck. “Doing sunrise yoga together…should’ve been our first clue.”

Erica smiled again, and Callie noted how much she loved seeing it, how rare it was, seemingly with everyone but her, and how good that made her feel.

“That was your idea.” Erica challenged.

“True.” Callie nodded and shrugged again. “But…as it turns out, I’m apparently not the straightest person I know…so there you go.”

They hadn’t talked about that aspect of this yet…what this attraction to each other might make of or label them. Neither one was ready. Silence passed as Joni sang for a minute.

Erica watched Callie as she watched the remainder of wine in her glass. It struck her again how beautiful she was. Before she could get her self to voice it, Callie looked up into her eyes.

“Can I ask you a favor?”

Erica studied her face, taking note that she suddenly looked nervous.

“Of course.”

Callie blew out a breath and scooted forward a bit on the couch until their knees were touching. She sat her wine glass down on the coffee table.

“I might not even be able to ask this if I wasn’t a little bit drunk.” She admitted up into the air, talking to Erica and her self with hesitation rolling off of her.

A mix of concern and humor played over Erica’s features. She sat up straighter, laying a hand on Callie’s knee.

“Okay…what is it Cal?”

Callie’s eyes flashed down to where Erica’s hand was touching her then came back up. She took a breath of courage and seemed to make a decision. Taking Erica’s wine from her and setting it on the coffee table beside her own, she faced her again, and stuttered.

“Could you just…” her mouth opened and closed again.

As Erica looked at her with worry and confusion, she whispered.

“Close your eyes.”

Erica’s brow furrowed.

“Please?” Callie asked.

After searching Callie’s eyes, Erica complied.

Callie breathed deeply, and tentatively, reaching up with both hands to let her touch gently connect with Erica’s skin. She slowly ran her fingertips over her cheekbones and the expanse of her face, feeling her blood rush at the recurring realization of how soft it was. As she stroked her jaw with one hand and let the other run up and twist into curling blonde hair, Erica’s eyes fluttered open.

“What are you doing?” she asked gently, a little breathlessly, watching Callie’s eyes run over her own face.

Dark eyes connected with hers and looked slightly embarrassed, but also full of amazement, and something else that ran much deeper.

“Touching you.” Callie whispered back.

Erica blinked slowly as she felt the pad of a thumb run over her bottom lip. She tried to absorb the look of concentration and wonder on Callie’s face. She breathed in involuntarily, her breath hitching as her chest swelled.

Callie’s hands finally dropped.

“I’ve just been wanting to so badly.” She dipped her head and looked at her own hands.

“To know what you feel like…to know more…Sometimes I look at you when we’re at work…and I just…I can’t help it…”

Erica swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry.

“What do I feel like?”

Callie looked up at her, her chest a deep crimson.

“Soft…” Her eyes were even darker than usual. “Amazing….” She shook her head once. “It’s brand new.” Her hand floated up to gesture searchingly between them, but her shoulders simply rose, stalled, and fell. “This is all so new…”

Erica looked back at her searchingly but with understanding, willing herself to be just as open,

“I think I know what you mean…I feel like I’m seventeen again and I want to explore, with you, but…”

“But you don’t know what to do or where to start?” Callie finished for her.

“Exactly.” Erica let out a breath.

Callie agreed. “I feel like the smallest things are exciting…and terrifying.”

They looked at each other. Erica felt a piece of the heaviness in her chest release. She was exhausted with inching along the wall and made a conscious decision to take a full fledged leap off the ledge. She reached out and cupped Callie’s face, running her thumb over her cheek like she had in the elevator weeks before.

“It feels amazing when you touch me.”

Callie leaned forward in response, feeling how her chest swelled at hearing those words. She let her brown eyes swim in blue before she closed the rest of the distance and space, and brought their lips together. They could both feel the other breathe in just before their lips met. The sensation was like a fire inducing electric spark. Callie was once again blown away by how they both seemed to melt into the kiss immediately, like it was the most natural thing in the world, like they’d been doing it forever.

Whatever else could be said about Erica Hahn, she was a fantastic kisser. It was like she just innately new exactly when and how, and for how long. There was no denying it, and Callie let herself just accept and embrace that fact by running her hands into Erica’s hair and pulling her to her more firmly.

“Kissing her is amazing…” her mind interjected, and for the first time left out the, “How can that be? What does that mean?” questions that usually followed, and simply settled with… “Incredible.”

She ran her tongue over Erica’s full bottom lip and couldn’t contain the moan that began in the center of her chest as Erica opened her mouth and pulled Callie’s tongue into it with maddening suction.

Erica made a mental note to use that particular technique again. All she could think was, “What else can I do to make that sound happen again?”

She tilted her head slightly to the right and pulled back just briefly, biting Callie’s bottom lip gently as she ran the flat of her palm up Callie’s thigh. It made Callie pull her in closer once more. Before either had a chance to think about it, Callie was leaning back and Erica forward, as they eased their way back onto the couch.

It felt surprisingly easy to slide together; shockingly easy for Erica to allow her self to be pulled. They were both far beyond the panic it might normally cause to ensue, swimming and drifting in racing pulses and desperate breaths of hot warmth; things they’d both been missing for what felt like an impossibly long amount of time.

Erica ran her left hand up Callie’s thigh as her knee bent, and let it rest on her hip, stroking her jean clad hip bone with her thumb. The sensation of being on top of Callie flooded her body and propelled her to move her lips down her jaw. Callie felt hot breath against her ear just before teeth and an incredibly warm tongue made contact with her neck. She arched up involuntarily in response, feeling Erica respond as she ran a hand down her back.

Her leg coming up between Erica’s and sliding, her hips pushing forward, happened with out need for consent or permission, and she barely recognized her own throaty voice as she heard herself say,

“Erica, please, don’t stop.”

It made Erica moan, and bite down on her neck as her own hips pushed forward in response, but then, it was like the word ‘stop’ caught up to her and reverberated in her brain, causing it to catch up to the rest of her body and what it was doing.

With heavy breathing and uncertainty she pulled herself up from the crook of Callie’s neck, and looked into her eyes for the first time since they’d started kissing. The cloud of chocolate brown desire she saw swirling there was startling and heavy, mostly because she knew she held the same expression in her own eyes.

“Cal...”

Callie ran a hand along the side of her face, cupping it as she tried to bring their lips back together. As she spoke, her breath caressed Erica’s mouth.

“Yeah.”

Erica stilled her movement.

“I think…maybe we should slow down.”

It was clear by her expression that it was taking a lot of effort, just to say the words.

Callie looked momentarily confused, and maybe even panicked with hurt for the briefest of seconds, before her brain seemed to catch up to where Erica’s was.

“Yeah…” she whispered back, not entirely convincingly, “Yeah…okay. ”

They lay there, for just a moment, looking into each other’s eyes, Callie holding Erica’s face.

“I don’t want to push things too fast.” Erica explained, trying to convey with her eyes that this wasn’t a rejection. Very far from it, in fact.

Callie seemed to get it. “No. You’re right.”

Erica fought with every nerve in her body to keep from leaning down and kissing her once more.

Slowly, unsteadily, they moved and righted themselves upward on the couch once more, finally coming to sitting side by side again.

Callie blew out a breath, and Erica ran her hands over her face as they shared an awkward moment in which everything they’d just experienced sank in. They sat blankly for a moment, staring at the coffee table.

“So…” Erica began to say.

“Wow.” Callie said aloud, to the air in front of her as much as to Erica.

Erica chanced a look at her, and felt the nervous pressure in her entire body release at the look on Callie’s face, which reflected the look on her own.

Callie was looking back at her with a quirky and wonderously appreciative grin.

“It definitely never felt like THAT when I was seventeen.”

Episode 3...Flashing Back, Moving Forward

2008-12-11T13:55:00.006-06:00

Flashing Back, Moving Forward...

“Okay, get your balance and make sure you have a good grip.”

“Like this?”

“Yeah. That’s good. Now you want to twist and roll it. Quickly.”

Callie stood next to Lexie Grey, coaching her while she made her first attempt at placing a dislocated shoulder back into its socket. Lexie looked less than confident, and even smaller framed than usual, as she stood hunched over, handling the man’s large arm as though it alone weighed a hundred pounds.

“I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Okay, first of all, he’s unconscious and on a morphine drip so you’re not hurting him, and second of all, it would end up hurting a lot worse for a lot longer if we waited to put it back, so go ahead. Be fast.”

Callie’s mind flashed back to her and Erica, the night before; mind numbing kissing, pulling apart, Erica saying she needed to go, then standing at the door before leaving adding,

“I want to do this with you…but can we just…go slowly?”

Callie nodded, with uncertainty. “Sure. Of course.”

Erica left.

Back to the present, Callie watched Lexie being too gentle. Stepping in and taking over, she nudged her aside with instructions to watch closely.

“See?” she turned toward Lexie’s shocked expression, with the shoulder in its place.

“Slow is not good.”

***

“Dr. Yang, you’re with me. A triple by pass. Read up.” The files dropped onto the counter top with authority, and Yang blinked at them twice before looking up at Dr. Hahn.

“…Seriously?”

“Yes Seriously, Yang.” Erica said sarcastically as she walked backwards down the hall.

“Unless you have something better to do today?”

“No. No I don’t. I mean, of course not.”

Erica smirked as if to say, “That’s what I thought.” and turned around, heading faster down her path.

Christina stood in her wake for a moment, mouth open but not quite functioning. She finally turned to Meredith,

“Did she just…did that just happen?”

“It did.” Meredith agreed in a confused tone, head tilted slightly to the side as she stared down the hall at Hahn’s retreating form. “She just, willingly picked YOU, to assist her.”

Christina recovered and picked up the patient file like it was the most important thing she’d ever held, ready to memorize it front, back and sideways.

“Game on.”

***

“Torres, good.” Bailey nodded at Callie as she got off the elevator, motioning for her to get back on. “I was about to page you. We’ve got a trauma coming in downstairs. MVA. Guy rolled his car off the turnpike.”

“What’s the ETA?” Callie asked as her brain snapped back into work mode, thoughts of finding Erica set aside for the moment.

“Five minutes.”

Bailey punched the down button in the elevator as Callie pulled her hair back and squared her shoulders.

***

“Okay, now alleviate the pressure.”

Christina adjusted her grip, and moved two centimeters to the right.

“That’s good but slower. Go slowly. You’re repairing a man’s heart Yang, not running a race.”

“Yes. Dr. Hahn.”

Erica’s mind flashed back.

“Erica dear, you should stop and take a break.”

“There’s no time for breaks Gram. If I don’t keep studying then I won’t know everything, and then I won’t finish first in the class.”

“And if you don’t finish first, then what?”

Erica looked up at her grandmother, blinking with obvious disdain at even the thought of that possibility.

“Then I’d be second.”

****

Callie adjusted the rate on the dopamine drip and moved around the bed to check the swelling in the right leg.

“I don’t know how I got here.” James said quietly, as he lay in the bed, watching Callie work; his voice hoarse and rough sounding.

“Well,” Callie looked at him evenly. “Your blood alcohol level was three times over the legal limit.”

“No.” He slowly shook his battered head, but before Callie could argue he continued. “I mean how did I get here? To this place in my life, to be this person?”

Callie’s memories swirled.

“Come on Callie, can’t we just do it? I’m really into you.”

Robbie looked into her 16 year old face and pleaded, as though he might wither and die if he didn’t get his way. He stroked the side of her face with his thumb as she felt the seat belt buckle press cold against her lower back.

“I’m not sure I’m ready.”

“But you’re so beautiful…”

He leaned into her…and kissed her again, lowering her further onto the seat.

“I think,” Callie blinked back to Seattle Grace, to James Mitchell, empathy lacing her voice. “that sometimes you’re on a ride you didn’t even realize you bought a ticket for, until it’s over…and you’re still spinning.”

***

“You did a great job Yang. I’m impressed.”

“You…you are?”

Christina’s arms stilled briefly as she pulled them out of her surgical gown, and watched Erica throw hers in the bin.

“Yes Yang, I am. Close your mouth and take the compliment. I would’ve thought Burke would’ve at least taught you that much.”

Christina’s sails depleted, but only slightly.

“Thank you Dr. Hahn.”

“You’re welcome.”

They washed their hands in silence and then stepped out into the hallway, Christina looking at her expectantly.

“What?”

“Well, don’t you, I mean, aren’t we…”

Erica raised a brow as Christina floundered.

“I’m just waiting for what’s next.”

“Next?”

“For us?”

Erica rolled her eyes.

“Jesus Christ Yang, one thing at a time. Reflect a little would you?”

“But I thought that-”

“That what? That we’re like surgical b-f-f’s or something? Take it somewhere else Yang, I’ve got other work to do. You may even want to consider leaving the hospital at some point.”

Erica walked away shaking her head, even as it grabbed hold of old images.

“Dr. Hahn, you know it really isn’t necessary for you to be in this hospital twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Even interns need a thing called fresh air now and then.”

“I know chief. I just don’t want to miss anything.”

Erica put her book down and crossed her legs on the gurney she sat on, as Chief Stanley sat next to her.

“You know Erica,” the chief continued, his silver hair almost glowing under John’s Hopkins florescent lights as he looked her in the eye.

“If you’re not careful, this job will become your entire life.”

“What’s wrong with that?” She asked earnestly, youth practically shimmering from her eyes, although there were traces of pain beneath, which she wasn’t aware anyone could see.

“Nothing.” The chief sighed. “Until the day you don’t want it to be, and you don’t know how to let something else in.”

***

Callie sat down in the cafeteria with coffee, unsure of what number cup it might be for the day, and not really caring. She hadn’t stopped moving since seven a.m., and it was well after….well, last time she’d looked, which was some time ago, when it was past four.

She rolled her head back onto her neck to let go of some of the kinks and brought her chin back down to rest in her palm. Her eyes absently roamed the cafeteria for a minute, happy for the idle distraction of people watching…until they settled halfway across the room, on the table where George sat. She watched him laugh at something Izzy said, and it made her press rewind.

Walking into the locker room she felt nervous and jumbled, like a live wire dangling and cracking. She hadn’t meant to say it, as she sat down facing him, but she’d looked at him and realized she felt it. Already. It was there, deep and real, and heavy. And she felt it filling her chest and putting sand in her shoes, and opening her mouth…

Before she could stop herself she’d told him she loved him.

And then he didn’t say it back. They went from dating, to married, to divorced in the blink of an eye, and he’d never really said it back. But she’d felt it all.

The bitter taste of the coffee brought her back to the cafeteria, and she stood with effort, leaving the cup on the table as she walked away.

***

Erica took the stairs often for no other reason than she hated the elevator with all of its standing and waiting, so close to other people. She hated the silence shared with strangers, or worse even, the idle chit chat that people often used to cover it. When she cracked open the door to stairwell five and turned the corner to see Callie sitting on the third step down, she didn’t even hesitate before sitting down next to her.

It felt right. It felt like…comfort. The day had been long, and they hadn’t seen each other at all.

“Hey.” Erica said as she sat next to Callie, their shoulders touching.

The sight of her and the proximity surprised Callie and it showed on her face, but it appeared to be pleasantly unexpected.

“Hey your self.”

They smiled at each other, neither missing the way the other’s eyes briefly skimmed down to full lips. Callie shook herself.

“Well, I didn’t think it was ever possible, but I might actually be coffee’d out for the day.”

“That bad huh?”

“Just busy. Nothing too bad.” Callie let out a breath.

A moment of silence passed, and then she felt Erica reach out and take her hand. She watched in awe as Erica’s thumb traced circles in her palm, making her insides hum and skitter. Her voice came out low and soft like the pattern being traced on her skin.

“Cal?”

“Yeah?” Callie’s voice cracked slightly as she answered.

“I don’t want to go too slow, okay?”

Callie smiled and let out a kind of half laugh.

“What?” Erica asked.

“Nothing.” Callie smiled fully. “That’s just good. It’s good. I’m glad. I mean slow is good, but not too slow.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Callie agreed. “Definitely.” She scooted on the step to face Erica, their knees brushing together.

“I mean I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I realized…I really suck at slow.”

Erica quirked a brow and encouraged her with her expression to continue.

“I mean,” Callie took a breath and gathered her self. “All my relationships, if you can even call them that, have gone from hot and heavy to boring and over in like, an insanely fast amount of time. And George,” she huffed, “Well, you know all about what happened with George.”

“I do.” Erica affirmed, empathy and concern evident in her eyes. Callie shook her head.

“I don’t want any of that to happen with you. I don’t want to make the same mistakes.” She brought her eyes back to Erica and smiled. After a beat she dipped her chin. “But I don’t want nothing to happen either; you know what I’m saying?”

Erica looked slightly embarrassed, in a good way. She took a breath and watched her own hands clasp in her lap. When she looked back to Callie there was a definite sparkle in her eyes.

“I know what you’re saying…and I think…I’m saying the same thing.”

Callie sucked in a breath.

“So…we’re definitely…doing this?”

Erica’s eyes flashed back.

“We’re definitely doing this.”

They looked at each other and felt how intoxicating it was to be so close and yet not close enough. Again for the both of them for the millionth time that day, memories flooded in like rising water; memories, of lips and heat and aching. Callie was wondering if Erica might actually kiss her in a stairwell at their work place, when the door above them opened, causing them to spring apart like teenagers caught making out on a couch. When the nurse passed by and was gone again, Erica blew out a breath and ran her hands over her face. Callie caught her wrist and stood beside her as she rose, keeping her from walking away.

“I want to cook for you.”

“Okay.” Erica said a little absentmindedly as she tried to listen even though Callie’s gentle grip on her wrist was distracting.

“Will you let me come over and take over your kitchen on Friday night?”

Erica studied her for a second.

“You’re on.”

“Good.” Callie smiled, and let her fingertips run across the back of Erica’s hand as she let go of her wrist. She stepped around her and made her way down the stairs, surprised to feel Erica reach around her and grab the door handle at the bottom. She felt her words against her ear before the door was pulled open.

“And just for the record Torres,”

Erica’s left hand settled briefly on Callie’s left hip, stalling any movement and scorching her skin through her scrubs.

“Just because I didn’t kiss you, doesn’t mean I didn’t want to.”

***

Episode 2...Just Keep Jumping Off the Cliff...

2008-12-04T20:38:00.007-06:00

Just Keep Jumping Off the Cliff...

Erica woke exactly three minutes before her alarm went off, and instead of hitting the button, and getting up right then as usual, she watched the red numbers change from one to the next until the beeping started. Rolling to her back, she brought her arm above her head, and blinked at the ceiling. The fan went slowly around once…twice….four times, before she shut her eyes and took a deep breath. The feeling of being in slow motion was heavy. Even when she finally slid her long legs over the edge of the bed, her feet meeting the ground felt like stepping into sand.

It was impossible to remember the last time she’d felt this…jangled…uncertain…excited…about anything. It was more than a little scary. When she looked herself in the eye she had to acknowledge that what was happening with Callie hadn’t just come out of nowhere. It had been building for a while. Their first kiss wasn’t even truthfully by the bench outside the hospital, but inside, in the elevator, with Sloan standing by. It was a kiss that SHE initiated, whose existence they’d both been choosing to by-pass. Then “the bench scene” happened, and the talk last night. Treading through water had become a time to swim, or drown.

She had moments, had lots of them over the last four days, when she panicked on the inside, and told herself that this couldn’t happen. Whatever it was or could maybe be, she couldn’t find out. But then, she’d see Callie, and it was like, like Callie was color, and everything else was just shades of gray. Thoughts like that, were sappy, and foreign to her, because she’d taught them to be foreign, but she would chastise herself, and then have them again.

Last night she’d come home from their talk, stunned and shaken and…happy. After a hot shower she’d crawled into bed. Flashbacks of the kiss made her ache until finally, she reached for herself, and found that in the throws of passion, body twisted and mouth held against her pillow, she’d moaned Callie’s name. It terrified her, but also woke her up to the fact that even against her better judgment, she wanted to do this.

***

Callie adjusted her grip on the two coffee cups in her hands and put her back to the door, pausing briefly to take a breath. She felt nervous. A different kind of nervous than the shear panic and mix of fear she’d been feeling, but nervous none the less. It was a feeling of “Okay, what now?” a brand new version of uncertainty. She leaned back against the door and pushed, feeling relief as she moved into the Attending locker room, and saw that Erica was the only one in sight. With a smile, she walked over to where she stood in front of her locker. Part of her wanted to lean against the locker bay like the confident, sassy teen she’d been in high school, and part of her wanted to drop the coffee on the nearby bench and run away like a socially inept intern on the first day of the job. The compromise of a tentative smile and outstretched steaming cup seemed like a good way to go as she spoke up.

“Good morning.”

Erica smiled back, albeit a little uneasily, and took the cup like a life preserver. She felt a bit calmer once she got to the hospital; more so then she’d been in her bed waking up. In a way, it made sense, because walking through the hospital sliding doors was like putting on armor for her. As soon as they slid shut, all her emotions were carefully trained to fall away, or at least bury themselves.

“Hey, good morning.”

“It’s a hazelnut latte.” Callie gestured toward the cup. “I know you usually just get coffee, but…I thought you might be in the mood. Plus, I really needed to justify my own need for a Mocha.”

“It’s perfect.” Erica took a sip and adjusted the collar on her lab coat. It was getting harder to bury anything with Callie; harder still to want to.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

A pause filled with silence passed as they looked at each other and then looked away. Callie suddenly felt a wave of the panic roll through, and found that just like every other time as of late, the only way to deal with her newfound “Erica freak out” was just to blurt it out into the open.

“This isn’t gonna be weird now is it? I mean because I - I don’t want it to be. I mean we’re still… us right?”

Erica had taken the lid off her Starbuck’s, and was blowing into the cup as Callie started her mini ramble. She brought the cup up to take a drink before responding, if only to give her inner self a minute to relax. For the first time, she was consciously recognizing that Callie was exceedingly adorable when flustered, and that while she found “adorable” to generally be cause for eye rolling and sarcasm, on Callie, it worked. She swallowed and tried to convince herself as much as Callie, with her nonchalant tone.

“Of course. I mean who else can I beat at darts while venting about Stevens’ obnoxious jolts of peppy-ness and Sheppard’s incessant, unconscious humming? Nobody else appreciates it like you.”

Callie smiled, obviously relieved.

“Okay. Good. That’s good.” She seemed to jump track, from self consciousness to thinking about what Erica had said. “He is humming a lot lately isn’t he? I hate humming.”

“Me too.” Erica agreed as she reached into her locker and pulled out her stethoscope. “I’m sure it’s only because he and Grey are on a record setting upswing to their constantly irritating, on and off…thing.”

The way Erica said ‘thing’ made the corners of Callie’s mouth turn upward. She reveled in the rare moments when Erica came any where close to what “normal” people, who were far less adept at professionalism than Erica Hahn, would call gossiping. And she felt pride in knowing she was the only one who ever got to see the tiny glimpses. Before she thought to sensor it, she said,

“Hmmm. Note to self. No humming, and no on and off again ‘things.’”

Erica paused almost imperceptibly in response while shutting her locker, and they shared a quiet moment of shy acknowledgement about their new, undefined, but definitely present, circumstances.

Callie stepped forward without thinking and fixed Erica’s collar, which had become rumpled when she slid her stethoscope on. She smoothed it down with her hand and then looked into Erica’s eyes, realizing what she was doing before taking a quick step back.

“Well,” she cleared her throat and shrugged. “Guess I should get to my rounds at some point this morning.”

Taking a few steps backward in approaching the door, she stopped before going through it, a contemplative and hesitant expression on her face. It made Erica feel self conscious, like maybe she’d spilled coffee down her shirt and didn’t know it.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Callie gestured toward her. “I just, I haven’t told you. I meant to say….I like your hair. The curls…It’s really nice. ”

Erica felt herself blush, which for once, she didn’t completely despise. It was a strange feeling.

“Thanks.”

Her own voice echoed in her mind…”Armor and buried feelings…my ass.”

***
The day was screeching by at a snail’s pace. No traumas had come in, which was of course, good for humanity and bad for medical profession boredom. Two surgery’s had gone well, with nothing out of the ordinary to report. All of these blessings were starting to grate on Erica’s nerves. Was it too much to ask for a simple, life threatening blood clot to come along and help her mind get away from itself for an hour? For something, anything, to pour her skill into, so that she could stop catching glimpses of Callie in the hallways, and having flashbacks of how soft her lips felt.

Standing at the nurse’s station, and filling out a chart, she felt the usual tension that ran up her spine whenever Mark Sloan was too close in proximity. He leaned a little too casually against the counter next to her, offering a cocky expression she could sense without looking.

“Can I help you with something Dr. Sloan?” She asked, not bothering to hide the traces of boredom that colored her tone as usual when it came to him.

He shrugged. “Well, I just wanted to congratulate you Dr. Hahn.” He nudged her with his elbow as he leaned more heavily into her space. She let her eyes connect with where he’d touched her, and then pinned him with the irritation written across her expression.

“On?”

“On finally becoming a member of the club. Nice isn’t it?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” she turned to fully face him.

He countered her and lowered his already low voice. “I’m talking about the, “lovin’ the ladies” club. Well, one lady actually.” He looked at her pointedly, not wanting to miss any sign of her momentarily cracking. “Erica, come on. You and Torres? I saw you in the parking lot the other day. I should be welcoming you to the Seattle Grace gossip mill. Glad to see you’re finally on the same level with the rest of us.”

Erica blinked at him, and stood silently for a minute, cursing herself for letting him have the chance at this upper hand. Of course people probably saw, and of course he had. She should’ve been prepared. She should’ve been concentrating less on her feelings and more on her job.

“Good kisser isn’t she?” he nudged her once more. “Just wait, she does this thing with her tongue where she…”

The heat wave of embarrassment Erica felt suddenly turned to the scorching anger she was much more familiar with, and the lack of words she’d momentarily suffered vanished.

“Dr. Sloan, do you have even the smallest bit of dignity still intact? Or have the endless amount of hours you’ve logged with nurses in various on call rooms stripped you of it?”

Mark tried to open his mouth in response, but Erica barreled on.

“What you’re pitifully trying to talk about right now regarding myself and Dr. Torres is none of your business. And let me assure you, that while I may have momentarily fallen victim to the utter lack of professionalism that most doctors in this hospital seem to welcome with open arms, I am not anywhere near, “on the same level” as the rest of you.”

She was fully facing him, challenging him with her expression to continue, when an intern came up and thankfully pulled him away. As he went she felt a breath she hadn’t realized she been holding escape her lungs. Suddenly, though she would never admit it to anyone else, she felt as though she wanted to hide in a bathroom stall or barricade herself in the Attending’s lounge with a stack of paper work, and a ‘do not disturb’ sign. And that feeling, the feeling of childishness, frankly, was utter bullshit. And it pissed her off.

Trying to shake it as the day went on, to trample it down, to let it roll, didn’t do any good. Even snapping at a few interns, and informing Karev of his, “sometimes blatant and overwhelming stupidity” didn’t help ease the line of stress forming in her shoulders. It was moments like the one with Sloan that she most wanted to avoid; that had put the rules in place early in med school. Those were the moments when someone might glimpse inside her and see more than Dr. Hahn. She didn’t want anyone to see beyond the competent, world class surgeon that she was. After all, she’d spent most of her life climbing the good ole boy’s club latter. There was no need or desire to have it come crashing down now because she was behaving like too much of a girl.

***

Callie was rounding the corner from the cafeteria just after lunch, when Erica caught up to her and abruptly pulled her by the arm into the supply closet on the right. As the door slid heavily to a close with a thud and the light was flipped on, Callie found herself inside, practically pinned up against the door with the emotion written all over Erica’s face. Callie’s own eyes were wide.

“Um…Hi?”

For about a second and a half, a very far, but not as far as it had been, part of her brain recalled that she’d thought about this scenario between them before; albeit, in that version Erica had definitely not been upset.

Erica’s hands came up to her hips, and she started to shake her head.

“I can’t do this. I’m not going to be able to do it.”

Callie looked confused.

“Okay…What are you talking about?”

“Us!” Erica gestured between them emphatically. “This. Whatever it is, I can’t do it.”

Callie crossed her arms, and willed the upset she felt rising in her own body to still.

“Erica, we haven’t done anything.” She said gently, keeping the ‘yet’ that she wanted to add inside her head.

“We kissed!” Erica let out, eyes wide, as though it hadn’t been established and talked about the night before.

“Right.” Callie agreed, brow furrowing.

“In front of the hospital Callie!” Erica gestured off to the side with her right hand. “In front of who knows how many of our work colleagues. In front of Mark Sloan. Mark Sloan! Who, shockingly,” The sarcasm and disdain in her voice nearly dripped and puddled with the panic that matched it as she continued. “Shockingly, came up to me this morning to welcome me to some… club, and start informing me about something you do when you’re in bed.” her eyes flashed away briefly with embarrassment and something else as Callie’s widened in response. “Which, by the way, I just realized is a piece of information I completely loath that he knows .”

Erica’s arms crossed over her chest tightly. “This is not okay.”

“Because…it’s against the rules?” Callie asked, trying to understand, even as her brain was reeling with new information and the need to kill Mark.

“Yes!” Erica confirmed. As if to say, “You’re damn right.”

“And now, I am having a nervous breakdown, which is something else I don’t do, FYI, and we are in a supply closet together as though we’re….we’re freaking Derek Sheppard and Meredith Grey!”

Callie blinked at Erica and sucked in a breath, trying to absorb everything, along with the sight of Erica acting like….well….not calm, nerves of steel, Erica.

“Okay.” She thought about reaching out to touch her upper arms, but couldn’t quite do it. “First of all, take a breath because you’re rambling like…like me.”

Erica inhaled and shook her head as she looked to the ground.

“This is not okay Cal.”

Callie felt fully for the first time, the way her insides seemed to hum at the sound of Erica shortening her name in that way, and fought the urge to say,

“Really? Because it felt okay to me when we were kissing. More than okay actually. Definitely worth a little gossip.” She shook herself and tried a different track.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry about Mark. He can be cocky…and an ass. We both know that.”

She willed Erica to look at her.

“I don’t know what his problem is, and I promise I will find a sharp object and stab him with it.”

Erica looked up, but didn’t smile.

“I think I’d rather you just staid away from him from now on.”

Callie looked a little pained as she took that notion in, along with a breath.

“Look,” she started as their eyes finally met again. “I do, unfortunately, know a thing or two about the gossip merry-go-round in this place.”

Erica quirked a brow in response.

“The thing is, as quickly as you can get yourself on, you will be thrown right back off, because somebody around here will inevitably do something much worse.”

Their gazes held for what felt like a long stretch of time, but then Erica looked away again, and it pulled at Callie’s insecurity, and dashed some of her hope. She wasn’t sure what this was yet, but she knew she didn’t want it over with before it even had a chance to start. Expressing that however, made her feel way too vulnerable, so again, she tried another approach.

“Would it help if I said I’ll stay away from you for the rest of the day so that people have a little more time to cool off, and stop speculating?”

She dipped her head to catch Erica’s eye and felt her chest constrict at the sight of her reaching up and removing her scrub cap, causing blonde curls to tumble free, as she wrung the material between her hands.

“Or...if I said that Christina’s on-call tonight, and that you should come over and hang out with me, so we can talk some more…away from work?... And we can even open a bottle of wine, and just embrace the fact that all of this questioning of our sexualities is turning us into temporary alcoholics?”

Joy and relief mixed inside of Callie at the sight of Erica’s slightly upturned lips, and the sparkle in her eyes. They traded grins, and Callie felt relief as she watched Erica breathe, and saw her game on/Dr. Hahn face slide back into place.

“I’m gonna take that as a yes”

***

An hour later, Callie came around the corner from x-ray and saw Mark a few feet ahead. She created an ambush of her own and forcefully shoved him into the nearest on-call room.

“What the-?” He raised his hands as she smacked him, hard, on his right shoulder, and shoved him once more.

“What the hell is the matter with you?” she demanded fervently, crossing her arms in waiting.

“What?” he asked innocently, temporarily looking like a twelve year old boy on the playground as he rubbed his shoulder.

Callie raised her eyebrows and let out an exasperated huff of frustration.

“I swear to God Mark,” She raised a pointed finger and advanced on him.

“You’re the one who pushed me to deal with this…this thing with Erica. And if you mess it up for me, before it even has a chance, so help me…”

Mark’s eyebrows rose with a mixture of fear and curiosity while Callie searched for a proper threat.

“I…I will break every bone in your body.” She shoved him with a glare of determination. “And I will NOT fix them.”

He swallowed. She nodded. Not unlike Bailey after one of her speeches.
Once at the door, she turned to say one more thing before leaving.

“Oh, and just so it’s clear, we’re not having sex anymore. At all. We can be friends. Very platonic friends. Got it?”

He moved to leave the room with her, pouty frown in place, and replied with, “Okay. Geez. What is this? Like, you’re the man and Erica’s the woman now or what?”

He was kidding, but she still hit him again as they left.

***

In front of the mirror in her bathroom that night, Callie talked to herself out loud.

“This is not a date.”

She ran the brush once more through her hair, and then smoothed her hands over the same path.

“Nothing has been said of dating…Just talking.”

Her brain silently supplied, “More kissing would be good though.” She raised a brow and huffed at her own image in response, mixing up her features and asking, “Who are you?”

Just then, the sound of a knock on the door filtered in, and she moved out to the kitchen to answer it, taking a breath before pulling the door open. The first thing she thought was that Erica looked great; simply dressed in jeans and one of the open necked shirts she liked to wear. The kind that had a very girly string at the neck and pored out a bit as it went down. She looked beautiful. The blue of the shirt accented her eyes, and the neck line left her collar bone bare and visible. It was overwhelming, not because she really looked any different than she usually did out of uniform and away from work, but because Callie was actually consciously letting herself notice it.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Erica smiled tentatively, and held out a bottle of wine as Callie let her in. “I brought this. I hope you like it.”

It was a vintage bottle of Cabernet, which had obviously been kept for quite a while. Callie’s eyes widened, “Wow. This is great. Are you sure you want to open it though?”

“Definitely.” Erica nodded and slid her palms into the back pockets of her jeans. Her nervous demeanor implied that it would probably be better done sooner rather than later.

Callie grinned and moved over to the counter top, watching out of the corner of her eye as Erica stood a few feet away, looking around the apartment as though she hadn’t been in it a dozen times already. She came around with their glasses, and sat down in one corner of the sofa, noticing that Erica hesitated for just a second before mimicking her position on the opposite end.

“Long rest of your day?” Callie asked, sweeping nerves under the rug and trying to assert to both of them that they could be the same with each other even though they were different. Just like the night before, it took a few minutes for the new dust to settle.

“Kind of.” Erica let out after taking a contemplative sip of the wine. “But I didn’t stab Sloan, and I only bit Yang’s head off twice, so all in all, not so bad.”

Callie smiled her approval, “Hmmm. I’m very proud.”

After a few more minutes of idle talk, Erica was the one brave enough to bring the conversation back around to the two of them. She looked pensive, and then sighed, bringing her eyes to Callie’s.

“I’m sorry about my “breakdown” earlier. It was embarrassingly…dramatic.”

Callie sat up straighter on the sofa, and her eyes sparkled with softness.

“It’s okay. It wasn’t dramatic. It was valid. I get it. That was Dr. Hahn and this,” she gestured to Erica. “is Erica. They’re separate. I get that. We’re just different that way.”

“Because you’re just…you…all the time.” Erica continued the thought, agreeing.

“For better or worse.” Callie affirmed. “It’s all out there.”

Callie felt her pulse race as she watched Erica nod, and then look away.

“Is this about you and Sloan?” Erica asked abruptly, not with anger, but with genuine concern and need to know, laced into her tone.

Callie’s chin dipped down in response, and she blinked.

“Wait... What?”

“Sloan.” Erica said matter of factly, putting her glass down on the coffee table and standing to walk a few feet away, before turning to face her again.

“Are you sure this…isn’t just about you and him?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean…” Erica visibly searched Callie’s face after looking briefly around the apartment. “This isn’t about making him jealous or wanting to experiment with some idea he put in your head or something is it? Because I’m the safe bet because we’re friends or something? Because I can’t-”

“Okay,” Callie held her hands up in defense, stepping around the coffee table to get closer to Erica. “Whoa. You’re serious?” she almost laughed. “Erica, this has NOTHING to do with Mark Sloan. Why would you even think that?”

A small piece of frustration, and perhaps jealousy broke loose in Erica and she sarcastically replied, “Gee I don’t know. Maybe, because you’ve been hooking up with him in every on call room in the hospital for the better part of a month?” Her expression and the snap in her blues eyes seemed to reach out and say, “Come on Callie, give me a break here.” Callie wanted to defend herself and explain at the same time.

“Please,” she huffed in return, barely missing a beat. “only because I’ve been freaking out royally about the possibility of being attracted to another woman, and probably trying desperately to prove my own heterosexuality to myself.”

Erica opened her mouth to respond right away, but couldn’t, staying silent for a brief moment in stead, before coming back with,

“Really?”

“Uh, yeah, really.” Callie affirmed steadily, tossing her hair over her right shoulder as she bent down and took a drink and continued, mentally allowing the pieces to slide into place for her self even as she laid them out for Erica. “I mean, lets be honest, everything I’ve been doing with Mark Sloan, which is over by the way, I’ve only being doing because I really wanted to be doing it to you.”

Erica looked stunned, and Callie felt completely rattled, as though she wasn’t sure if it would be more embarrassing to stop now or keep going, but she was certain that she wanted Erica to be convinced.

“I mean he would say things to me when we were together, about you, about what you and I might do…together...and it affected me. And at first, I tried to believe it was about him…Dirty talk or whatever, but, he made me see that it didn’t have anything to do with him. I was affected by you. By just the thought…of you.”

Callie’s eyes were shimmering with embarrassment. It made her angry and she wanted to turn away, but she couldn’t. Erica took a step closer to her. After a beat, she reached up gently, and brushed a piece of hair back from Callie’s cheek, before letting her hand slowly drop down again. After another pause she asked quietly,

“Want to hear a confession from me to even the score?”

“God, yes.” Callie breathed out, trying not to let it show it that she suddenly felt a lack of oxygen in the room, and a quickening to her pulse. Erica swallowed and looked down to the small space of floor between them before continuing.

“I know that I kissed you first.” Her eyes came back up, impossibly blue. “Which is something we’ve conveniently not talked about, but I did. In the elevator, I kissed you, weeks ago. And all this time, I’ve been trying to tell myself that it was just to one-up Sloan, and put him in his place. Because I always have to maintain my top spot in the boys club. But that’s, that’s just bull. I kissed you because I wanted to, and I could use Sloan as my scapegoat. I kissed you because I WANTED to Callie. That’s terrifying.”

Callie’s expression softened. She felt scared.

“Terrifying enough not to do it again?”

The vulnerability she’d been hiding all day, for months, broke free.

It was exactly three seconds, which felt like three hours, in which they stood there trading stares before Erica bridged the distance left between them, and kissed her…again. She moved across the small space, placing one hand to the side of Callie’s face and the other on her waist as she pulled her the rest of the way, and kissed her like she’d been aching to kiss her; for the past twenty-four hours, for months. It was different from the last, because it was overpowering not in its questioning and exploration, but in its hunger, and almost forceful surrender. As it deepened, Erica moaned, which elicited the same rumble from Callie’s chest, causing it to vibrate against Erica’s own, and the escalation to all consuming, hands in hair, full bodied contact was rapid.

They pulled apart this time, without breaking away; foreheads nearly touching, hands still on faces for a long minute, as they breathed each other’s air.

Episode 1....After the Collision

2008-11-27T22:16:00.005-06:00

I've decided to go from the kiss at the end of Season Four, and use my creative license from there. There may be traces of a few things that happened in Season 5, or at least some of the general ideas that I didn't totally despise, but for the most part, it's all new from here. In other words, I'm trying to follow up on what Shonda originally promised us, and what I was so excited about seeing; a genuine exploration of two women falling for each other, and whatever it may entail. FYI: I completely ABHORRED Callie running to Mark Sloan every five seconds, therefore, ain't none-a-that happenin' here. :) Please enjoy! And of course, any feedback is more than appreciated. This first chapter is PG-13 at most but they will very from PG to R so please be forwarned.

After the Collision...

The kiss was stunning in its softness; in how quickly it became consuming, and transcended from a firm press, to a gentle questioning, to a loud statement of so much more. The depth of it was numbing, for both of them. And had it not been for the basic need for oxygen, it might have continued for a while longer. Instead, they broke apart gently and breathlessly, and for the briefest of moments there was a flash between them of something akin to relief. But then relief was quickly pushed aside by jangled nerves, and shock.

Callie stepped back first, letting out an anxious half laugh as her eyes got bigger and took on a shimmer of self defense.

“I’m sorry.” She pushed an errant strand of hair behind her right ear. “I- didn’t mean to do that.”

Erica blinked in response and nodded.

“Okay. Th-that’s okay.”

They stood there for a moment, looking at each other without looking at each other.

“Maybe, we should talk?” Erica tried, after what felt like an unbearably uncomfortable length of nothing.

The steel drum of panic they could both feel beating between them showed up in Callie’s expression.

“Yeah.” She hitched her purse higher on her shoulder. “Okay.”

Another blink…Another exchange of air.

“I just need to find my keys.” Erica gestured toward her bag, turning away with uncharacteristic unease.

Callie watched her struggle through it for a minute, and then stepped forward without thought or control, reaching into the left pocket on her coat.
Erica felt her chest constrict and her breathing hitch at the sudden proximity, but was jolted back to motion by the sight of the silver keys dangling from Callie’s hand in front of her. She would have been embarrassed to find that they’d been there all along, if she wasn’t so relieved to have the search over with.

“Thanks.” She whispered, and reached up slowly, noticing the feel of their hands brushing as she took the keys from Callie. The smallness of it was overwhelming, and she looked away, shaken.

“Erica,” Callie tried gently, but was abruptly cut off by a beeping sound muffled from within Erica’s purse. She watched as Erica pulled it from the bag and looked more than a little irritated for a flash, before she tilted the small screen so Callie could see the 911 from Bailey.

“You better go.” Was all Callie could muster in response.

Erica looked torn.

“Tomorrow?” She asked with pulling uncertainty, accepting that the full question of “We need to talk about this, and we’re going to right?” was neither necessary nor capable of forming from her lips.

Callie just nodded, stepped back, and watched as Erica hesitated briefly before stepping around her to make her way back inside.

***

Three days. Three days that felt like thirty had passed without any effort made toward the partially unspoken, “We’ll talk about this” pact that had been made outside the hospital. Three days full of all-consuming panic and childish avoidance had taken place. It was unbearable to say the least, yet not quite as unbearable as confronting the ‘situation.’

Erica had gone home all three nights and stood in the shower, the place she normally considered her personal oasis, the place where she let the grime of the day go effortlessly down the drain, but instead of feeling relaxed, stood staring blankly at the tile.

Callie had taken up residence on the couch and stared just as absently at the brick wall in Christina’s apartment, downing a bottle of merlot to try and quiet her raging questions.

They’d been cordial and brief whenever necessary, and run in opposite directions at first chance, going off to either analyze whatever had been the brief exchange, or push it off into no man’s land.

It was daunting.

They were four hours into day four, when Callie couldn’t take it anymore.

She hesitated outside the swinging door of the washroom and took a deep breath. Erica was on the other side of the glass, scrubbing her hands for her surgery. They hadn’t even spoken meaningless words all day, much less anything else. Callie’s heart ached and sped up at once. Her mind couldn’t help but flash back to Erica’s hair down, and her hands in it. She pushed down on the panic welling up once more, and forward on the door, not saying anything until she was beside her for a full minute, her own hands under the spray.

“You know, I don’t make friends easily either…” she offered quietly, trying to sound much more calm and unaffected than she felt. She heard Erica breath in, and took a chance looking at her, surprised to find their eyes connecting.

“Are we just going to keep avoiding each other?”

There was a brief pause, in which they took in the stress and anxiety on the other’s face, and then just as Erica opened her mouth to respond,
Callie’s pager went off.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Erica let out with muffled irritation, sounding more like Dr. Hahn, which made Callie’s lips quirk involuntarily as she reached to stop the offending sound.

‘Guess the awkward confrontation where she totally crushes me will have to wait,’ she thought to herself, as she put it back in her pocket and backed out the door, drying her hands with the towel Erica threw to her.

It was a few hours before they made contact again, in the chief’s office for a meeting. As luck would have it, Callie came in late and the only seat left was next to Erica. She sat down dutifully, trying to at least appear like all of her attention was on Webber and not on the woman in the chair beside her. Her eyes caught movement on the table, and realized a clip board was being pushed in front of her. It was Erica’s…and she’d scribbled a note.

Joe’s at 7?

Callie swallowed and reached out slowly with her own pen, the click its top made sounding loud in the room.

Yes.

They didn’t look at each other throughout the meeting, and Erica left the second it was over, without a word.

***

At 7:23 Callie blew out the breath she’d been holding and inwardly cursed herself. She downed the last bit of her jack and coke, and watched the ice shift as she sat the empty glass down with a thud.

“How could I be so stupid?” Her inner voice followed the question up with a piercing, “Again.”

As she watched the secondhand make another go around the dusty clock on the wall her brain whirred around the enormity of what she’d done, and what was happening, or not happening, as it were. Erica was standing her up.
They’d kissed. They’d avoided. And now Erica was standing her up.

Was any of that even possible? They were friends right?...Right?

“God, how did I even get myself into this mess?” she thought as she dropped her face into her hands.

The whole thing was such a mess. She’d been freaking out for weeks at minimum, sleeping with Sloan, dodging and avoiding her feelings, realizing them and freaking out some more, questioning absolutely everything, sleeping with Sloan, sharing an earth shatteringly good – GREAT kiss, with her best friend, and now what?

The only thing that was making her panic more than realizing she’d wanted to kiss a woman, not just any woman but Erica Hahn, and that she had in fact done exactly that, after endless amounts of crazy but not entirely untypical behavior, was the notion that it could all amount to…nothing. And not just nothing, nothing, but nothing; as in, not even friendship nothing.

She decided she would pull herself up and leave the table, perhaps find more alcohol and something to hyperventilate into, when she felt somebody slide into the space across from her. An apologetic sounding “Hey” came across the table just as she looked up into Erica’s eyes. Callie blinked and jerked herself fully upright.

“Hey.” She offered back numbly, glancing at the clock and seeing that it was 7:40.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I was stuck in the O.R.” Erica offered by way of explanation.

“That’s okay.” Callie shrugged. “I figured.” She lied, trying to recover as quickly as possible. An awkward moment passed, and then she picked up the empty martini glass that now sat next to her jack and coke, searching for anything to stop the silence.

“Uh, this was suppose to be yours, but then, well,” she waved it in the air with a half grin, and Erica smiled with a nod that said she totally understood, allowing a small piece of the tension to break free.

“Let me get the next one then.” Erica said as she stood up again. “I owe you.”

Callie watched her make it to the bar, and tried to coach herself to breathe and relax as she waited.

When they were settled once more, gripping new drinks, with old ones out of the way, Callie was first to break the silence.

“So…”

Erica put her drink down.

“So…”

They traded looks of angst.

Callie tried to grab hold of some false bravado.

“We kissed!” She stated matter of factly, flippantly, as if to say, “Hey enormous elephant, glad to have you in the room! It’s no problem that you’re here. What’s the big deal?”

Erica breathed out. Her mouth opened and then closed again, and she looked away into her glass. Callie felt a wave of panic and fear overtake her, which she couldn’t quell before it broke loose.

“God, I am such an idiot.” She said as she took a long drink from her glass, her emotions evident in the tone of her voice. It got Erica’s full attention. and she reached across the table to grab Callie’s forearm.

“Callie…”

When her touch connected she fought the urge to jerk it back like a hand to a hot iron, and felt them both react to it.

“Look, can we just,” her eyes went around them searching. She’d never felt so off kilter. It was more than jarring.

“Can we just forget about the kiss and…”

“Is that what you want?” Callie cut in before she could stop herself. Erica shifted in her seat, and felt more flustered, pulling her hand back.

“No, I…I meant just for a minute.” Her eyes truly connected and stayed with Callie’s for the first time in four days. It felt like coming home and being in hell all at once.

“Can we just put it aside for a minute and talk about…what made it happen in the first place?” Her tone ended impossibly gently. The questions in her eyes pulled at every string in Callie’s chest. They both let out a relieved breath, and pulled in one filled with a whole different kind of nervousness.
Callie looked at the table, studying the rings in the wood for a moment.

“I...I’m not sure what to say.” Her eyes came up again, and the look in them made Erica reach out once more, this time with words.

“Callie it’s me here remember? Just talk to me.”

“That’s the problem.” Callie gestured between them. “I don’t know how to talk to you….about you.”

Erica swallowed and took her own turn at studying the table top.

“So…” her fingers gently held onto the stem of her martini glass. “You’re saying you can put your tongue in my mouth, but you just can’t talk about why?” Her eyes came up and the twinkle in them made the corners of Callie’s mouth curve up. It was a joke…kind of…meant to take some of the pressure off. And it worked. Callie sighed. She traced a finger around her own glass as Erica watched, trying to gather her nerve. It was the same prickly, panicky feeling she’d felt before the kiss. She couldn’t help but jump off the deep end…again.

“I’ve…wanted to for a long time.” She said seriously, with an almost imperceptible shrug. All signs of simple jokes slid away. Erica studied her, and tried to form a response, but the confusion she felt, evident on her face, held it back briefly. She shook her head.

“You’ve wanted to kiss a woman for a long time?” The voice in her head immediately chimed in with, 'Maybe it’s not about you.’ And she inwardly jerked with the surprise of how much the thought hurt. But then Callie continued,

“No…”

She took deep a breath of courage, and an exhale of resignation.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time.” Callie stated matter of factly, ignoring the pounding rhythm in her head, and the flashing vision of herself collapsed on the floor, needing a defibrillator for her own chest. The bar may as well have been empty. It really didn’t matter what was happening around them. Erica’s glass had stilled in the air, halfway to her mouth, and come down again silently. Callie wanted to stop herself, but she simply couldn’t. It suddenly seemed the only way to calm her insides was to let utter bluntness and honesty come crashing out.

“I’m attracted to you.” She rushed in the rambling manner so quintessentially Callie, that she’d perfected it without knowing.

“In that way…In a…a romantic way. It’s been there for a while…Maybe, maybe always.” She swung her hand up in the air with a nervous gesture, and couldn’t look away from Erica even though she felt the need.

“I just didn’t know it…until I did.”

All that came out of Erica’s usually prolific vocabulary was an astounding

“Oh.”

“And last night,” Callie continued, blushing and flustered, “I meant to talk to you about it, to tell you the truth. I really did.” Her shoulders rose and fell, and she shook her head.

“But then I saw you…I saw your hair and your eyes…” Erica felt the heat flush her own face as she watched Callie’s eyes run over it.

“And I just couldn’t….I couldn’t not.”

She finished on a breath full of relief and embarrassment, her glass coming up to her mouth with a shaky hand, and coming down again empty.

Erica swallowed and felt…overwhelmed.

“Surprise!” Callie offered with a small laugh.

Erica shook her head, shock evident on her face.

“I didn’t know. I mean I… felt something, something going on, but, I wasn’t sure what. I mean I really didn’t know.”

“Yeah.” Callie pulled a face as if to say, “You’re telling me.” and continued with, “Well, there you go.”

They sat in silence for a stretch, Erica seeming very thrown and contemplative. The longer she didn’t say anything, the more nervous Callie got.

“Erica, listen, we don’t have to make a big deal out of this.”

“Yes, we do. Yes we do!” Her inner voice spoke up again. She waited for a response and the one she got when their eyes met again, shook her.

“I kissed you back.” Erica’s expression was earnest, almost apologetic.

“You did.” Callie held her eyes with her own.

“I don’t know what that means.” Erica shrugged. “I mean…I’ve never kissed another woman before.”

Callie raised her eyebrows almost as a reflex, and Erica didn’t miss the trace of surprise it signaled.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Callie looked suddenly innocent. “Neither have I.”

That admission made Erica feel relief for all kinds of reasons, some of which she wasn’t even aware of.

“But I did think that maybe…”

“Maybe what?” Erica pushed with a smirk, raising a challenging brow of her own.

Callie looked slightly embarrassed, as though she was choosing her next words carefully.

“I’m not gay.”

“Clearly.” Erica cut in with good natured sarcasm.

“Very funny.” Callie returned the sarcasm with mock attitude.

“Well?”

“When I started having these feelings I thought, maybe you might be…” Callie gestured into the air.

Erica put her glass down and leaned forward with a smile.

“Wait, are you telling me that you tried to explain away your own feelings by making me the big bad lesbian?”

Callie smiled and looked guilty.

“Pretty much.”

“Oh, that’s just great Cal.” Erica sat back indignantly and took a drink from her glass. They exchanged smiles as Callie shrugged. It was good to briefly feel like them again, perhaps with a new layer added, but the joking subsided as quickly as it came.

“Did you like it?” Callie asked, hands wrapped around her empty glass, steeling herself before she looked up. Erica could swear she felt her pulse stop at the question.

There was silence for a beat.

“I’m not sure I should answer that.”

Erica looked pained, and Callie felt it. She suddenly wanted to run, to hide, to cry. But crying in front of Erica, about Erica, was not an option. So instead she tried to nonchalantly respond with,

“Oh.”

When she got no further response right away, she felt the air leave her lungs. She was grabbing her purse before she even realized it, and was outside even faster. She was across the parking lot when Erica caught up to her and grabbed her arm, effectively turning her around next to her car.

“Callie,”

Callie looked away. She didn’t trust her voice and didn’t want to look her in the eye, but the way Erica sounded made her do just that.

“You’re taking it wrong. I just meant that…”

Seeing Erica Hahn flustered was truly a new experience.

“Damn it….I meant that I….”

“What?” Callie asked demandingly, wanting it out and done.

“I have rules!” Erica blurted a little more loudly than she meant to.

Callie looked confused, until Erica began to explain.

“Rules about my life and how I live it and I…I’m very careful about them. I’m very serious about them. I don’t…I don’t bring my feelings to work and I don’t date my coworkers and I certainly don’t kiss other women who are my coworkers in the middle of the hospital parking lot.” Her voice got quieter on the last few words and she uncharacteristically brought a hand up to run nervously through her hair. A few questions slid into place for Callie, along with some understanding, but it was all for naught if one question wasn’t answered how she wanted it to be.

“Erica,” she said in a low but firm voice as she took a step closer. The response she got was Erica looking at her as if to say, ‘What?’ in the same tone she had before, next to the bench, where all of this began.

“Did. You. Like it?” Callie asked again pointedly, feeling tired and hurt and frustrated. “It’s not a difficult question. When I kissed you, and you kissed me back. When we kissed, in the way that two adults do...did you like it?” Erica’s eyes snapped back and forth from Callie’s and her gaze fell to her full lips as she exhaled in a kind of admittance, finally whispering,

“Immensely.” Their eyes connected once more, and Callie could see for the first time, her feelings genuinely reflected. Relief, mixed with surprise and so much more that was still undefinable welled inside. She closed her eyes as her chest swelled with a deep breath, and then opened them again.

“Me too…” she whispered back.

Erica was so close she could feel her breath, as she responded,

“But I don’t know what to do with that.”

Callie’s chest ached.

“Well, you don’t have to…Not right now…Not right this second.” She offered gently.

A bit of relief colored Erica’s features.

“No?”

“No.”

“Can we just…keep talking about it?”

“I hope so.” Callie admitted, realizing it was true.

Erica took a breath.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

They blinked at each other.

“Okay so I guess maybe I should…” Callie gestured over her shoulder toward her car, suddenly exhausted.

“Right.” Erica nodded, “So tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.” Callie nodded back, acknowledging simply that they’d see each other at work, and go from there. “I’ll bring you coffee?”

“It is your turn.”

Why Brooke Smith is Super Bangin' Hot

2008-11-26T22:53:00.007-06:00

and totally belongs on my television...playing a lesbian.

1. The eyes. Have you seen her eyes? Could they be any more blue?

2. She's like five-feet-one million-inches tall. I mean really tall people...which means she has legs that probably go on forever. Yeah. I like it.

3. The hair. The gorgeous, wavy, long, blonde, "totally want to touch it in a bad way," hair.

4. The voice. Seriously? Seriously. Do I even have to say it. It's all kinds of hot.

5. She's not a size two. Yeah. That's a good thing. A very good, very attractive thing.

6. The talent. Major, major, "how completely idiotic do they have to be not to appreciate it's sheer stunning quality" talent. Don't believe it? Watch Series 7...or Uncle Vanya, or Getting Off, or any episode of Grey's Anatomy featuring the intrigue that was Erica Hahn.

7. The fact that she looks like she's an incredibly great kisser. Even Sandra Oh said she was. And she knows!

8. She's played a lesbian more than once. (Hence Sandra Oh knowing she's a great kisser.) And she doesn't think it should be something that's considered controversial.

9. Did I mention the tall, blonde, blue-eyed, voice that is sex thing?

10.......

Because, I'm gay, and I say she is HOT...and I deserve to have someone on my television who is not just conventionally hot, but LESBIAN hot. Regardless of wether the main stream, male driven media thinks so. And Brooke Smith, and the character of Erica Hahn were LESBIAN hot.

So suck it ABC. Seriously.

I want Brooke back on my television, in my movie theater, on a nearby stage, wherever I can get her...Because this enormous, gigantic, super-gay crush, isn't going anywhere.